Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A day in the life of a ordinary housewife

He hit me again today.
The slap painting a primary red onto my cheek
The stinging surprise turning my face into a burning question mark.
Today there would be nothing further, thankfully,
My eyes swim but I do not cry;
For outside the sun is shinning and there are birds
So i am happy.

Today there was more
He hit me and then there was rough hands
Pushing me down into thin sheet covering the mattress.
The breathlessness as your weight pinned me there;
Black spots dancing into my vision.
The hardly noticeable agony of what our lower halves were doing.
My eyes roll to the window
The sun is shinning but there are no birds today
But perhaps there will be grass in the spring
Luxuriant, soft, fragrant, blades of grass and I think of this
And I am happy.

And today was the last time
That he would hit me.
Blue and violent blooming on my face like badly placed make up.
(I'm so sorry dear, let me get a tissue to wipe it off)
The red lines exclaim on pale skin where he took my clothes off too hastily.
There were no birds or sun;
A white sheet wrapped around my face and neck so I could not see the window,
But only stars once, when my head hit the corner of the bedside table.
I will not get to see the grass in the spring,
But I think of it winding it's roots over me
And the flowers that will grow there,
And I think of how lovely they will be.
Perfect and delicate, fragrant and frail, pink petals that I may never touch -
But still, I think of them,
And I am so very happy.

Daughter Father

If only you could hear me,
Hear the screams of my uncomfort
Stretching and ripping this skin dress
That I have tried to live in
For the past twenty years.
Trying to be what you wanted me to be,
Or at least what you could stand looking at.

So look at me!
Shinny and plastic but I'm not smiling.
Ripped from the heart and roots up.
Wondering if there will ever come a day
When you will see me and accept me for what I am.
Wondering if there will ever be a day that I can walk with my head up
Scuffling to school with my back pack and old shoes.
Wondering if your tongue will ever be unloosened and you can speak the words of love to me -
If there will ever be a day I can live with out your acceptance
Haunting me down in the foot tracks of everything I touch.

That I can touch
With out the hate and knifes
Of loneliness slipping from out between your hard lips and teeth
Killing everything I love.

I dream of the day that my rootless heart,
The roots you cut hoping I would die,
Would be free to drift like a child's balloon
Off into a new place of rainbows and neverland island.
That I can erase the name whose hate only drags me down
Like a weight on my foot in the ocean.
That I can find a word that will mean love
Instead of the bitter rejection that you have crammed down into my thoughts
And slipped into my baby bottle
Like a slow working poison.
That you have plunged like shrapnel into my heart with every missed childhood moment
And silence of ignorant, ignoring, avoidance of eyes
When I needed you to see me the most.

No more will these memories of pain and missed chances
Wake me up at night and follow my home.
No more will the dream that you will embrace your self,
The self in me,
Remove the love I have for you in my heart.
I don't need you
And I am through.

Friday, December 10, 2010


I can't help but remember your face
Are you happy?
Are you well?
Is it hell?
It is for me.

Does she smile when she see's you?
Does she always greet you
like it's the first and the last time?

Do you talk with her like we used to
And when she dreams is it with you?

I don't have nice things to give you.
I don't have a innocent girls room with turquoise walls
And pink bedcovers
Filled with stuffed elephants you won for her.

I don't have anything.

My mind tells me all the reasons why this isn't good
Why it should be right
But I can't take my eyes off of you

And I hope when you dream it's of me.

And all the while I was dreaming
About being

The Last

I am at last to tired to play games
My lipstick melted off long ago
And now I only look like a silly clown
Trying to get boys half her age
Because the real men go out with real woman

But I am to tired to care
Seduction is a wasted effort
I don't want to meet new people
And have men, the same men crammed down my throat
Again and again

I know the way it goes
And it bores me.
No, at last I am done.
All washed up and under 20.
Dear god, what is the rest of life to me?
But an endless parade of monotony.

I used to be vibrant and magnetic
But these magnates have reverted
And I only want the silence that brings.
I crave to be alone and lost
In cold winters of forgetfulness
Where even the birds don't sing.

Oh, I am so melodramatic.
So cliche and over the top.
I disgust me.
Old pathetic whore everyone laughs at.
I am so tired
And no sleep will come to me.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Admitance to the East Wing

I want to get as far away from here as I can.
The curtains around each bed draw me in
Sucking secrets out of me
Their green is a hypnosis that denies all subterfuge
The fill in words to your little blanks come tripping out

I hear the squeaks of nurses shoes against the dull shinny linoleum
Hushed always hushed
When the talk about you two feet away
Scratching your identity in ink on a white form
You are known by a number or a name that in latin means something entirely different

The rippling of thinly controlled panic beaches its self hear
In, out, the ventilators breath.
This is a living room
And I am over exposed
My reds and whites smearing into you
A photograph someone left to long developing
This symptom of a genetic accident

They pity and do not pity you
Rolling you into rooms where the smell of downers
Washes over you in waves of sicking health.
Pills are given out to make all the patients float
Red balloon heads in a circle
Talking about why they're here
If they can sound the words out.
I can't escape the feeling of escape
I don't belong here

I'm not crazy.

Tripping switches, sparking wires, speaking to myself.

The doctor gives me a strange look and a piece of paper
That is supposed to enclose me back into a womb
white. safe. controlled.
The sheets breath with me in between them.
Stone under a rolling tide.
And then even the nurses will appear less and less
Til one day they tell you
You can leave
Cured of your affliction,
Pariah no more.
Oh god doctor oh, fear of life
you drink my wounds like love.

While You Were Sleeping

Sunday, November 28, 2010


While you were sleeping
I was dreaming
Dreaming of ways to get out
to escape from the hunger that only emptiness

I was running down the street
In my mind
Barefoot and happy
Happy to be free even though I didn't know where to go


You slept and I dreamed
weaving my web of beautiful lies
That made it easier to be here another day

That made the suffocation just a little bit sweeter
because I dreamt in heist
I dreamt I stole myself back
Pried your sleeping fingers off
And once I had them I never looked back

Especially all the beautiful things
That I lost because I gave them to you
And you misplaced them or didn't care to begin with


I will not apologies or feel remorse
I dream of better days
And dwell where the sun was warmer
The air was purer
And people were too
People that loved me

I didn't know until now
But the past is in the past
I look forward to new starts

So I kiss the beauty that is really a beast
And bid you sleep on for another 100 years
While I escape into the freedom
Of a thousand fluttering thoughts
Awakening and opening to me.
If I have to, If I have to . . .
I will save myself instead of you.
You know this is true and yet,
You keep following me asking your questions,
Questions I don't have an answer too
Or that I'd rather not answer at all.

Ka is a wheel, and the sun moves around the earth
Moving me farther and farther away from you.
We are not the children we once were
And become more strangers then anything,
If anything at all.

And only one of us realizes this
And the other stubbornly disbelieves.
Still clinging to story's and fairytales
That I put away so long ago
Up in an attic in a box called heartbreak
That I scrawled your name under.
A year ago it was
And a year is a year, is a thousand miles to me now.

Save yourself and get out while you can
That box in the attic will eat you too
And it's not healthy to let all dreams die.
I am a machine with no heart
So spit on this dream of us and leave,
It's better for us both.
If any feelings remain
Let them change.

"And I'll try to forget even your name and the way that you look when you're sleeping, dreaming of this."

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." - Cor 13;11

Sunday, November 14, 2010


I miss you. I wish I could go back. You were the best friend I ever had in my whole entire life.
That night on the roof was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. How could something so flawlessly beautiful ruin everything?
And now I have nothing. I pushed everyone away and I am alone like a always wanted. Sometimes I still cry at night, I miss my family, I miss my house that isn't mine or even ours anymore, I miss the childhood I left there. And I miss you. The feeling goes away but always comes back with breathtaking clarity. And I know why you can't talk to me but I can't help feeling that the night on the roof has something to do with it.

Why is it always guys like him and never guys like you?
I'd take you even as a friend now. I really need you, I'm lost and I've lost so many things. . . Remind me of myself.

This is way to personal for here but I don't really care and I don't think anyone else really does either.
Mostly I just want to know that you're ok. Are you still happy? how are things? ... all the meaningless little wastes of time I miss sharing with you.

Rough draft

I never lied when I said I loved you
I did then
standing knee deep in snow
under a clear sky.

I didn't promise you anything
when we made love that night
again and again
It was a feeling that would pass

I never told you the most clear memory I have of you
was the next morning
The 8 o clock sun painting you gold
it was the only time, little did I know,
that you would be worth anything

And now there you are sleeping
breathing heavy, drool on the pillow,
And I can't get over the feeling
of how I detest you

How I would walk out that door if I could
But it's too late now.

Planets Will Dance

The stars walk softly tonight
holding their dim blue lanterns against the velvet expanse of mute space.
They chant softly in their ruined tongue of the winding universal dance
Their souls in trace
fall off the brink of this place.
Even God in his providence must sit back and stare
as they spin through the air
His heart must sink
as they fall off the brink
Knowing he must leave them there.
And even I so slow
Must weep as I go
to see the fading of such glorious light
and I know I have seen
as if in a dream
eternity fade this night.
A hearts sad turn
to see them burn
Complete into blackness devoured
for who yet would tell
of splendors that fell
upon this midnight hour?
But my trailing grief
At beauty so brief
Finding words within my ear
So soft the phase
My eyes to darkness raised
To see a light of hope appear.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

White Lies and Dead Ends

I never wanted to lie
I say as I look into your eyes
willing you to believe me

Even now the voices play out in my head
The choir to our own harmonic destruction
(Do I really?)

I lay in unfamiliar beds
starring at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck all over the ceiling
I lied when I said I was afraid of the dark and hung them up there
The truth is I'm afraid of being left alone with myself

I let the idiotic benign glow of a muted television screen
Provide the lull of perfect distraction
to try and sleep for a few hours

Your arms clench and clutch at my body
Your snores next to my ear make rest impossible

I will go
If you let me
but your hands only grab and grope over this body
that is bruised and no longer pure

My name means princess
But I am not a princess anymore
I am naked and gritty
In a bed at the top of a hill
surrounded by fields I have never walked in
And friends I will never make.


I wind my way home
Along dark roads
Enjoying the scuffing of my feet on the pavement.
Enjoying the quiet in which I know everything sleeps
I own the world tonight.
What a waste it is for me
I am undeserving.

Barbed wire fences mute their sharpness in air
That soften even the fields they pen in
To melt perhaps into the familiar yards
Or the edge of everything
Only the darkness knows.
And I should be threatened by the vastness of that thought,
But the anonymity of enormity is somehow oddly comforting now.

I walk into the yard and the crunch of litter and leaves under my feet seems almost to loud.
The kitchen light is on and it paints hazy rectangles on the sleepy lawn.
I see you through the window sitting at the kitchen table in your robe
Your hair mussed from sleep.
Perhaps when I enter you will have a warm smile for me
That almost seems like a welcome.
Perhaps it will be your fist.
I never know these days.
But I do enter and sit down with you
A coffee cup in your hand,
Empty questions in mine
That I work over and over like a tattered piece of cloth
Never satisfied.
We sit in silence
Starring at our ghost shadows in the reflection of the table,
And we are the opposite of everything we ever thought we'd be.

"I'm not happy anymore."
"Then leave."

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Hibernation and Rebirth

How can you see straight?
There's a train that's blowing by
It's always 12 o' clock when I start missing you the most
Just walk back in to your skin
Just for me this time

And make it look like a miracle
Like god breathing life into Adam
Make this bag of bones heave and sigh
And do one last trick again and again.

On and on
All whispers of regret are gone.

All my idiocentric twitches
And all my little secret discretions
Are separating us behind your back.
You'll wake up and I'll be gone
all my stuff packed and a very apologetic polite note on the pillow
And you'll have no idea of what happened.

And I don't have to explain
Or change myself for awhile
And this is all I long for.

Hibernation and rebirth
And all those things they tell you that you can have
will finally be attainable.

This skin in paper thin
I have stayed in it to long
It is chaffing and rubbing off
And I want to walk right out
And be nameless and nobody's property
Except to be the caregiver of this body
Which has been neglected of late

I have let other things slip
While I let myself go
I show myself out
At 2am.
You'll be sleeping
And the darkness muffles my noises
70 dollars for the cab
10 minutes to load
To take me away
Anywhere but here
Or as far away as 70 gets me.

In a new town with an old name
And the start of who I am coming back to me.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Amy your a star

You say this cheap pink dress looks amazing on me
the lining makes me itch
I fidget at it's scratchiness
you say it makes me look five years older
Although I think younger is what you mean.
You say I'm photogenic as you snap a picture or two
but hey why not lower the sleeve on the shoulder a bit?
snap flash snap
why not a bit more?
Oh no that wont do.
hey, why not lower it completely?
All the stars do,
there we are
snap snap
How bout you lean back a bit, legs apart
wait those panties are the wrong color
Don't mean to make you uncomfortable, you smile
but could we take them off?

God you're beautiful.
your going to be famous

you look a little tense
how are we supposed to do this love scene?
you slide next to me
growing closer, warmer.
lips on my flesh
breath inhaling
hand on my leg
sliding up . . .
hey now, why so jumpy?
just relax
. . .relax.

lean back a bit
clothing fumbling
the sharp sound of zipper teeth unclenching
god kid, you'll be bigger than Madonna
closer, closer.
that's right, you look so goddamn sexy
cant control myself you say,
as if it was my fault.
sharp press of pain
you hold me down as I squirm and cry
hey, hey kid
where do you think your going?
deeper, deeper you drill
I thought I would split in two
but no.
no, harder and faster.
the pain flashing like waves behind my closed eyes
I don't want to see
why had I agreed to come here?
It's over after an eternity
you lay there a minute your weight crushing me
I wish it would and I would stop breathing.
you pull away,
a long strand of drool on your lip
look at me hazily as if you don't remember what happened
who you are
you zip up your pants and turn away
disgusted with me

put on your cloths
we're done here.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Places and Fear

There is a place, a secret place where I would crawl down.

A hand.
A hand to lead me
then forget me in a busy intersection
leaving me crying and confused.
I was only four
How could you?

A candle to burn away the cold.
I'd wind my way down to the garden
where you'd be waiting for me
to love,
to love and promise.
I believed you.
And at 14 I didn't know that believe
was just a fancy word for lie.
But I would learn.

I'd open the gate and walk to the street corner.
The traffic lights blinked
glow sticks to draw out the night life moths
to feed and parasitic suckle on innocence
til innocence is long gone.
And not even a memory remains.

I sell myself for the currency of love
hoping to buy back time.
But it's no use.
And these street lights keep getting dimmer
Or maybe it's just me.
And I can't seem to escape this feeling that there once was something more.
And it's cloudy now but I can't see the sun;
so tired of consistently, consistently, being consistently the same.

And I remember that night
You touched my lips
And told me not to worry.
I cried and you told me it would be alright.
The smoke from the fire blocking the sky,
The blue and red lights of fire trucks and ambulances
The smell of you and the panic.
I told you I had never seen anything more beautiful.
You looked at me and said "neither have I."
I was the only time I had ever felt truly loved

I can't feel anything anymore.

Monday, October 25, 2010


You give me a cold resting place
Up on a frost bitten moor
With nothing but the dead grass
Like the hair of a thousand corpses peeking out from under the snow.
You give me a frail resting place
upon this fevered bed.
You are gone
and the ice splinters of my breath hang and stare at me from the ceiling
There is nothing for me here.
And I know somewhere in the back of your head you have put me to rest
In a sleep which makes death seem a lullaby
You said you would never think of me
Did you really mean never, dearest?
For the nights turn still colder and even the day's seem widowed in flat gray.
But no . . . . . . I remember the way you turned from me.
Your never was complete.

You won't come back.

please just take [blank] from my hands.

Please just take this pen from my hand
All it spouts is lies and shit
And beauty has left me

I'm dead inside.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I can't fix this

And at last I'm to tired to try.

gotta preform for them, and them, and me.

Didn't remember how it was
back when my thoughts were unknown
my heart was secret
when I was just and only Sarah.

Please just take it from me
I wont give it up
although feebly my hand clutches it,

Can't stop.
And I don't remember why,
Why that was so important anymore.
I believe you are more then enough for me
I believe that change is just around the corner
I believe that better times are coming
That I'll make it out not only alive but successful

Believe is just a fancy way of saying lie.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Does This Make Sense

I tried and I tripped
And I stumbled
To reach what I thought was you
Way out here.

And I was breathless and hurting and longing
and my shoes were dirty and my pants were ripped
way out here.

And I saw a man bury his daughter
in the garden
out here

And a man eat his hand
because he can
and liked the ring of cannibal
way out here.

But there was no you
and there was no silver longing or imagination
there was no
there was no

I started a fight because I felt reckless
And needed to scream
and I was bloody and he was bruised
and I still felt restless between
these pages that keep flipping
and turning
and twisting
and walking out on me.

And I just needed to breath

Thursday, October 7, 2010


Please someone stop me from being empty.

No matter how
The endless whoring
Leavings me tangled in the sheets
By morning

I'm an empty doll
Any day
(I'm waiting,
Waiting for the call)
I'm waiting for you to say
"You're so not worth it."

I'm waiting for you to treat me
Like the disposable
That I am.

I have no feelings
And I lie so much
That maybe this is true

I am fretting
And regretting
over you
I am a thing to be forgotten

While I have your attention
Ladies, gentlemen,
This truth I will not brush up,
Or paint over,
Or cover up.

Misetro, drum roll please . . .

You never deserved me

Monday, October 4, 2010


We loved with all that we had
But we were young
And the world was different.
The world will never be that way again.
So lets close our eyes tight,
Lets shut out the world
And weep
Weep with the shared understanding
Of what we lost

Eden is over

We were children And we were blessed.
But now we are old And blind forever.


Sunshine burn me.
Won't you teach me?
Consume me and swallow me up
I want to know what obsession is.

And water seep my lungs
Fill me and kill me
Let your coldness claim me
Who could blame me
For wanting to be numb?

And air,
Oh, Air,
Destroy me.
Only you can erase me.
Rip the soul from my flesh
And the life from my bones.
I have longed to be effaced and erased
With nothing but a name

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Dear You,

I think we should see other people.

See in me what you want me to be
And maybe I will become.
And I'll look past the frog and the prince
And hope to see a real boy, . . .

. . . Someday.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Back to You

I remember when I was all you needed.
I remember when we was all we had.
All the smiles, all the laughter,
Every promise . . .
I remember every word.

And it funny how things change,
It's funny how I don't know who you are anymore.
And all the cycles of the same
Keep coming back to me.

There's someone walking at the foot of the stairs
And there's something on the roof.
I am kept awake at night
And it all comes back to you

No matter what I tell myself
It all comes back to you.


My cold hands trace the shape of who I was before there was us.
I can't remember what I looked like
But I know I was dropped along the way,
Like a kids toy someone left on the seat of a bus
Nobody placed me in the lost and found box
And nobody called the number written on the bottom of my shoe
Because nobody cared
least of all you.

My frail hands placed you on a pedestal
Because I lost God and needed someone to worship
And couldn't bear being anyone
That wasn't crafted by someone


Isn't any longer
What it used to mean.

I'm worth failing

I'm worth failing
I'm really nothing at all
Spit it out because I taste bitter but the taste all the same still longing
Still familiar

Stay up
Stay awake
To hear me calling
At the break still black
And waiting

Retrace every line that was heard
And laugh at the sound of being rehearsed
Choke and smile and speak your heart out
Cough and look away at your queue

Am I still suffocating?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


I brought you a glass of orange juice
Sweetness, sweetness in a cup I would say,
So you could drink it up

I smiled in the kitchen mashing away
A little army of pulp
You would think a genocide of blushing fruit
The sticky blood running down my arms
All to see you smile when I presented you with my gift

Creep up the stairs
with the glass peeking out from the rim
On a open flower
No king had such a gift
But you are asleep

And it's only a gift
A promise, a secret,
A flattery, a lie.

An open hand holding nothing
But the turning of such sweetness
That should have rotted on the vine

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

You Make The Sun Rise

Tiny vessels
With Untied ribbions
Float down streams
Where our paranoid illusions
get the best of us

We write letters to the Unkknown
And drop them in bottles
Into a sea of doubt
Hoping to make the sun rise
Over our craft that sails
Into the endless night

We stire the monsters in our gut
To remind our selves
That pain dosen't sleep
And neither do dreams
And just some new philosify
Won't bridge the gap or cure our infection
Iffinate possiiblites hush down
Into whispers in our wake.

We are void and waiting
To an end of existance.
All ends here with a kiss and an embrace
And I wish I was braver for you now
But there is no time for second chances
Or forgivness to grant them
The pull becomes our friend
Tunging us down beneath it's tireless weight
And we become free
A prissium forever broken
Into stardust and light.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I Am (II)

What a joke,
I said in a room full of strangers
But no one laughed
The clock beat out it's forever dance
all looked on seriously
Waiting for something more.

And like the resolution of the universe
Or premonitions of Armageddon
Whatever they waited for,
(So silently and patiently)
It never came.

And the trolley carts pushing along the street outside
With their breaks whining off into the night
And the sparks from their rusted wheels turning into stardust
Reminded me that like love or peace or god himself
It would never come.

Octane Twist

Octane twist
All I can do to keep myself together
Get better
And buy a new car
To with that second hand life
You've got

I don't want to try to make sense
Can someone tell me who you are?
Buy me something new
Someone I can use
I don't want to feel myself

I'm a bore
And rightfully so
Give me a kiss
Of your octane twist
And I'll buy you something new
I'll be someone you can love.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

We Are

We are the bitter seeds of promise
Choked, bled dry, and burned
Before their awakening

We are childhood dreams
Stabbed by the needle points of stars
We thought we could touch

We are romance
Ripped to shreds
Old rockers waiting for a widowed life

We are merely words
Spoken like enchantments
As if they had any power
"Come back to me."
Whispered slowly from ashen lips
At the midnight hour

We are the losing
And finding ones self
Just to lose again
And realizations about life,
Cold and inconsequential

That there is no you or me
But fantasy
And no winners
If this is indeed a game.

We are empty
Or at least I am.
You took from me,
Harvested for parts
Like some cheap back ally auto shop
Then moved on to share your delights with her.
I don't want you to come back
Just remember me
With more meaning
Then "some girl I knew."

We are nothing
There is no we
Or me
Only you.
It will ever only be you.

Give me back my life
The one I had before you existed
For you are all I see
The sun in my sky
(but he is more kind)
So let me return
Or stare into you until I'm blind.


We were everything to each other,

Remember to save sentiment for books and poems and music
And not for you

Because you don't care,
Not that I do.

Drag through the mud and stick with painful barbs
Every promise that we made
Cause one of us was lying

And it all wasn't true.

Let me 'get over' you
And stop waisting love
As if it was precious blood
Dripping out of an infected wound.

You are the ground which soaks it up
Without apology
And I don't understand.

These words which fumble over each other
Wont take away anything.

You are you
(whoever that is)
And I am me
(with melodrama to match my patheticness)

And I cannot hate you
Or love you
Or move anywhere in between

Die and give me over
Or say it was nothing more then a dream
But for once in your life
Answer me.

With truth
Answer me.

These days with you

We are young
It is morning
We are telling each other
That we love the other
But we know that eternity has a span
And soon the clock face will freeze
Into dead pale remembrances
Of our youthful yesterdays.

We are older
And it is noon
The sepia photographs
That I hold so dear
Curl around my fingertips with age.
You roam somewhere in this world
But return to visit from time to time
We can't forget
These years
We can't forget
Each others face
Which in the mind is still unfading

And when we're old
And it is night
Will you still think of me?
Will you still wrap my letters
In tattered ribbons of blue
Close to the heart.
Will you shed a tear at my my grave
For the long past yesterdays.
Will you remember and smile
And say my name once more.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


I am the hollow empty husk
That's been licked dry
by the consequence of being me,
of trying to hard.

Discarded like a used up tissue
That dried all the pathetic tears of your inconsequence.

I once was all you needed
Like oxygen you sucked from me
Now I float, weightless carbon dioxide,
useless to you.

Go and float, flicker
demented absinthe fairy.
Eat the hearts of stars
On the other side of the morning.

I'll be here
Ashen salt-spit half woman
That nobody cared to make whole.

Vomit gutter baby
Still sticky with the fleshy strings of your mucussed insides.
I don't cry
Or wait
but suffocate
in my forgotten dumpster.

Foggy nothingness
I ignore your letters
but keep them
to prove
(to who do I prove?)
That I was love once.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Letter to CJ

I think if we had a song of how our relationship miserably failed it would be Thinking of You by Katy perry.
By the way I'm glad that you told others about your illness. I wondered and still do if you were ever worried that I'd tell. . . pointless to think about I know, But I hope that you can find some small amount of trust worthiness in me.
I thought about you this morning. I try not to dwell on you to much, you know, part of moving on and all that. But my ipod started playing the start of something beautiful and it made me think of you again. after all you introduced me to that band.
And I wonder how many other girls you played just like me. Not that I would fault you for it. I should be angry but I'm not.
I wonder if it was just an elaborate game of trolling. Get a girl to say she loves you in X amount of time for X amount of points. I'm usually more sensible then that, but from now on I'll be extra cautious about like/love.
And I'll always wonder about you because you are a mystery to me. I will never be able to get inside your head or see things as you see them.
You were a great memory I just wish to God I could let you go. Some days I think I have. Some days I'm not so sure.
I just wish I could be brave again and not be so afraid of everything. I just don't wanna be somewhere years from now and still be thinking about that silly foolish boy and the silly foolish girl I was, and that month which means nothing to you and everything to me.
. . . I just wish it was the beginning of september again and it was only you and I . . . and that I hung up the phone the first time you said hello..

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I want to keep believing in you,
but you can't convince me to fix whats wrong with us
With the world
With everything

I'm tired of pretending it's all my fault

Not now. Not ever. Never again.

There will never be another sunday for us.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Never There

Never there.
I don't think I shall be
Ever there.
The growl of the ocean lays me out
Stealing sounds from my mouth
Round oh's slip from my lips
Into the sand and the sky and the stone
Which is all salt,
all warm,
all fierce.
These bleed and cry
Like a pack of gulls
That circle over a morsel
Not quiet dead
But almost.
The stabbing sound
Heralding the world,
A death bell
And the last sound heard
Before the quiet and the black.
Dear God, what am I.

I changed everything for you

You use me in your unassuming paradoxical way.
Stretching my sinewy limbs until they snap
Then look heartbroken into my eyes and I claim the fault as mine and deem it unfixable leaving me to smash my fingers in futile attempt to make up for the wrong doing. I am fault and faultless.
Both virgin and whore.
I have nothing and you take from me
Scraping my dry wombed self as if it was an ocean to sink and swim and steal from.
Hording secrets of my self away til I don't know what I am.
And yet, I stay.
I stay and let you use
For what am I if not to take from?
What use is all the beautiful things in me if not to give them away?
So I lay prone under you and let your greedy hands skim and flutter over my not yet dead skin.
Prying open my chest to sift through my organs to pick and salvage what you will
out of the heart of me.
Telling me to throw away what you call worthless, til I am perfect to you
Or I would of thought after all the care you took shaping me
but somehow . . . still not good enough.
Trying to better change into what you want me to be,
Some golden monolith in the back of your mind.
If only I knew what it was,
If only you would tell me.
Please just tell me.

Monday, May 17, 2010

That is All

I miss Evan and I'm stuck.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I live in a land where the fields stretch off into the night
Like a green sea.
Whispers in the grass that tell of something more.

I am the daughter of an outlaw . . .
And a religious zealot.
With a gun in one hand and a bible in the other
Even though I don't believe.

But I have been taught to protect the old ways, the not so good ways,
Certain truths that are no more certain then the sky with it's ceaseless patterns
Claiming to be holy mystery's.
And no one found the looking glass
But it's claimed someone fell through
Into the rabbit hole
And around the bend and back again.

Nothing it true and yet it all is.
We don't decide
We just are
And must make the best of it.

What a joke.
But no ones laughing.
We take our lives to seriously.


I packed my things up
And went to the place where the young things are
Pulsing in the dark to a neon sound.
They've got the cure
And ain't momma just dying for a fix
Dying to crawl on her hands and knee's away from it all
Away from the tap tap tap
In her skull
To brightening bliss.

Loves house burnt down over a lighter and spoon
And left the white ash of this
Now there is only this.
And so soon
To be slipping down the walls
Of a public bathroom stall
Into a puddle of mush
That screams of artificial home
That screams of love
That has no reason
And no groove in this world
Just hovering like a headless Buddha
That told her it was right.
His fat fingers dripping with the stuff
Could she catch them on her tongue
Like sugar
Could she learn
Or run
Never hide,
From her place in this world

Tremble and twitch
Told her it was sick
To be doing what she's doing
And sick all the same
To be not to.
She wants to make it right
And someone turn on the light
Her bones would break
And ache
Her skin
Snapping one by one within
The fire less to do with desire
And more need
That drives the secret feed
The sin
The weakness
That sunk the pit of her lower
Then the sea
To turn and churn
The hunger
The god damed hunger
To be more
Then me.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

I once praised you with fingertips
I wrote you sonnets in the curve of your hip.
I let us slip
and sigh
into tomorrow
And kissed your lips
with secrets.

I once loved you with a look
One that at the smallest glance took
Away fears.
And you were a king in my eyes
For more then just a day
Did you miss it?

I once kept you with a word
Whispered, and yet you heard.
I cradled you on our shared bed
with hips and lips,
eyes and secrets,
I kept you
In the dark
Close to my heart
And never wanted to let go.

The first time I loved you
I loved you with only three words
I said them in a casual way
lightly rolling them off my tongue
Iridescent bubbles of thoughtlessness

The second time I loved you
It was more serious
I said them timidly
Wanting to be bold
Standing naked before you
Wanting to be so much more.

By the time the third rolled around
I knew loves ceaseless game
I had been led around
And stripped naked
One by one
But this I saved I just for you.
I presented it as a gift
when it's the last thing on the shelf
Maybe it was worth it
Or maybe it was just what was unwanted
But I said it
But with heart
I love you.
And this time after all life had taught me

i meant it.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Growing Up

I never saw a man
Except for once on a hospital bed
The light was gray and he asked me to touch him.
I was four.

That was the year mom took me into town
For new shoes and hot chocolate
She gave a dollar to the man with the cup
but wouldn't let me look at him.
Dad used to smile and swing me around
And called me his little girl.
And there was always paper to color with.

When I was eleven the men came.
They gave daddy white pills
And he didn't call me his little girl anymore.
Mom took me into town
And pinched her face at the price of training bra's.
I ground my toe into the dirt and pretended I was 30
When men used to look at me.

By the time I was seventeen I was drifting away.
Familiar with the touch of wanting hands.
Mom never smiled
And I was never home.
Dad looked at me like I was a Satan
with a bible clutched in his hand.
And I wanted to apologize
for what, I'm not sure.
It just seemed like the right thing to do
And these people who were strangers now
Raised me to be like that.

The year would go by
And they would see me holding hands
With several boys.
But never a man.
Until the year I turned nineteen.
By then the leafs were melted off the sycamore
And nobody used the swing out back anymore.
Because it just wasn't the thing to do.
Mom would scrape together her last bit of flour
And smile over coffee.
And I thanked her for that
With a $20 in her palm
Because I knew the price of flour these days.
Dad was steve now.
And we barely talked
Not that I minded.

Words were never spoken
And the house was often silent
And cold.
I would lie awake
Staring at the night light
In a room of an unfamiliar town
Feeling more at home.
Wondering distantly
Why that was,
But not really feeling in the dark
For an answer.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Loosing you in room 132

I trace cold window panes with failing fingers
Searching for your name.
Somewhere down the hall a door lock snicks shut
Reminding me of the hollow ache of my aloneness.

Children shuffle down the halls
That smell of perfume and cigarette smoke
Their bulbous eyes pleading to be loved.
Bones stick out and pinch
Rubbing the wrong way
Out of filmy thread bare shifts.
They will be taken aside
Into secret rooms
Their neglected state stripped down
With leathery purring hands
That coo and fuss over tangled hair
And to tight hand me down shoes
That will be removed
Along with innocence.

The crying of some child
On a hotel bed
Disturbs the silence
But quietly.
Lovers moan out their dissatisfaction's on the other side of the paper thin wall.
Sticky In the lazy glow of artificial light
Dim to hide the stains of sex and self indulgence.
The reek of underworld corpulence
Like the smears of last nights lipstick on the rim of a drinking glass,
The ash that burned neat little holes into the polyester rug.

I curl myself into a question mark on this borrowed bed
Where not so long ago we played Lady and her Love.
Pretending to be someone else,
Pretending this room was ours.
But when the clock expired
And the candles burned down to nothing
We left our hearts with the room key

At the front desk.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

old news


I'm falling apart inside and out.

Is this how it really ends?

I'm bitter and cold and hungry.

I don't dream anymore, I don't hope or want anything.

I don't think I want to be saved this time around, And theres no one who could anyway.

And I can't even tell you, your kinda all I have now. You've been busy, I really have no right to burden you.
You've been good to me, considering. And it could be worse. I understand your problems are bigger then mine.
I know you want to get beter and I would to, If I could see the light.
I wish I could make it go away. You would say I make this myself. Perhaps it is true but I can't stop it now.
I can't just 'be happy'. I'm failing, I'm trying, but it isent working. I'm so sorry. I wish I could cure myself.
I'm gonna go out with a bang, or maybe climb a skyscraper just to 'see the view'. either way I'm going to save
all the help and engery to be used on someone that matters.

I don't even know why I'm typing this here, maybe I know you'll read it. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.


I guess I'll be saying I'm ok right up until I do it. I mean really. Not the attempt when I was 12,
I guess my imagination didn't want me. Not when I was 16, no he came and took me from that. Then twisted me to
what I am now. Broke me down and made me sick. And then the string of men that were just like him, one after the
other. It took an innocence from me. A hope. I don't hope now.I don't believe that love will save me.
I don't believe there is a better life, . . . this is it.
I am meant to be alone.

And I will tick like a machine. I will rise, work, try to sleep, til one day I'll just stop. My gears will stick
and I won't move. Then I think it will be time at last. Why try to rush it? that's where I went wrong at 12 and
16. All one has to do is wait. It will be time soon enough. Then there will be no reason to stop. Nothing to pull
me back. No ambulances or men of god shouting my name. I can do it boldly. (or will it be more of a surrender?)
No matter... It will be the time for it, the right time. And that is what makes this world stick together,
Not just time but the correct time.

And I will leave nothing but a few pretty photographs.
And they'll remember me for being a good worker for a couple years. No children. No great memories.
A handful of relatives to shed the compulsionary tear or two at my grave.
I unmark the world but I will not leave it. Not until it tells me to make my exit.
And I'll make my steps in the dance, and say the lines that are scripted to me,
and without bow or accolade walk off into darkness.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

इ वौल्ड रथेर हवे थे पैन थें थे अब्सेंस ऑफ़ यौर वोइस.

Sometimes I sleep but I have no dreams. And I hear some higher purpose calling but somebody snatched the voice of God back into the wind and laughed, tossing it amoung the clouds to echo into distorted nothingness. While I here below was left naked and blamed, for mysteryious sins of the heart. Flawed with an inability to love or trust in the one who made me. I am at fault for it all. I wish the world woud toss their sins like stones upon me, admiting at last that I was the one, begging for them to quickly unload them selves to my quicker death. I am done.