Can I just fall in love with you?

After ones heart has been broken
It takes a certain bravery to dust yourself off
And chose to go on loving
Another person,
The world,
Yourself.

I want to be brave.

E.

I'm trying to find quiet strength 
Again.
I'm sewing the pieces of my self back together.
Finding some bits in last years coat pockets
And some, hiding, have rolled under the bed.

There has been a consistency in loving you,
An invisible thread I have never talked about.
I've been keeping the secret of you in the back of my head
Tucking it between the pages of fear and hope, 
Wrapping it in the day dreams of "good enough".

I come to you in the too small broken clothes of others expectations 
Embarrassed to have you see me like this.
Wearing something that looks a little like dignity on my sleeve.
I am a master of pretending it's alright.

But there is honesty in my love
simple and undressed.
After all the stories and the rough lived lives-
Covering up the bruises,
There is relief in the quiet round sounds of truth slipping out.
I love you.
I have always loved you. 
I always will love you.

And I want the best for you
Even though I know that's not me.
You deserve innocence 
And all I can do is bring you grief.

I don't think this is going anywhere and we both know it.
I'm not really satisfied with this,
With being almost and maybe.
I don't want to keep spending time like down payments 
With the promise that one day we will cross that line and belong to each other.
That's not how this works.
That's not how any of this works. 

You know I'm not in love with you.
I know you don't love me,
And life is too short to waste on convenience.
I want a yes that is yes
A no that isn't maybe.

It's not fair
To either of us.

What does it matter that my love could not make him stay?
What does it matter that my love couldn't make him a better man?

I climbed into that sinking ship
And clung to it for dear life
Because being an anchor to a dying vessel was somehow better than the uncontrollable sea of uncertainty.
And I bailed out water with my little cup and for a space it was enough.
But the waters overwhelmed me.
I still carry the guilt of the shipwrecked.
I thought I could save them.