Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Go on,
Look at all the other girls out there
And know that I'll watch silently from the sidelines
Never questioning a single thing.

One day you might wake up and they'll
All look the same and even I might become just another face.
I'll never ask you to change
Just content to watch you quietly move through the moments that I can
But don't count on me being here
If you ever come back.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

I've been listening to your songs and humming them to myself

Ones 20's are confusing.

It's wanting to be so open and honest with everything like you were when you were a teenager,
And somehow, being acutely aware that there's some things you shouldn't tell people.

"I think about you every day."

Sunday, January 11, 2015

I've put my eyes into cases. 
Her mouth was a cut dark line 
In her face .
Playing for her and with her
Before she had to drive home around the corner,
It's been years since that game started. 

I still have those tights with the hole in them.
You still have my heart,
But you haven't got the best of me.

All those nights and the conversations leading up to them,
We knew they would never last.
There's always her,
And I've still got him,
And you've still got you.

And who knows now what I wanted?
What I want...

I still have those tights with the hole in them.
You still have my heart,
But you haven't got the best of me.

You haven't got the best of me. 

The same damn song on repeat on the merry-go-round

Obsession is going through your Facebook friends at 2am
Wondering which ones you slept with
( the number is twelve. I think he said twelve,
Was that including me? Was I thirteen?)
And wondering if it was just the pretty ones
I guess you can do a lot in 10 years.

Obsession is being turned on by you
And being confused when you touch me and then shoot me down
Wondering if it's on purpose
Or if you're accidentally gently fucking with my head.
It's wanting to touch my self to thoughts of you
Moans from your ghost hands getting caught
Between the tip of my tongue and bitten lip
But at the end of the night getting too depressed to
And crying in front of my hand mirror
Teaching myself how to cry pretty.

Obsession is where I keep you in my sketch pad
That picture you sent to me on snap chat
That you have no idea that I saved
( don't worry it's just your face)
That I touch instead of the real thing
Studying the microscopic patterns in your irises
And the crop circles in your beard
Knowing I will never get the details right.
It's difficult to erase you, even there.

Obsession is feeling like I'm in the most beautiful moment ever
Sitting next to you in your sisters car
As we're on our way to a show that your last fuck buddy is throwing
I want to parade around like the better replacement
I want to show you off
I want everyone to know
But instead I sit on a couch half the night drinking my alcoholic snapple
Laughing with some of your friends that I wish were my friends
Being hit on by a 40 year old rapper
But not by you, not where everyone can see
Not so I ruin your game or make people start asking questions.
In retrospect I hope I acted normal enough.

Obsession is embarrassing myself over and over
It's wanting to read your journals
To know what you think about me
Because you don't say
And you never tell me I'm pretty.
It's when my eyes slide over to your phone
And I remember when you said you delete all your messages and don't save nudes
I just want to know if that's true.
And what's your worse memory
And what's your favorite
And when did you start taking Prozac and why
And what you really feel about your dog maybe getting put down
And what you're like when you're down
And what you're like when no ones around,
Am I really the crazy one?
Have I just forgotten how to human?
And what's so great about you anyway?
And fuck if I'm going to love and chase someone who doesn't love me back.
Not again.
And what are you doing Wednesday night.

Final Chapter

Kiss me again, let it be final.
Finish what you've done.
Just for me, just once ,
Let's finish the story.

Ships in the night must be about us
Because we drift in and out of each other's lives
And there's never a certain beginning
Never a defined end.

We're just a handful of half finished sentences.
Void of the commitment of tenses.

You said that maybe in the future....
But I know what that means.
I understand how life gets in the way
But I also know if you desire something
You don't give up on it.
I thank you,
But I don't need kindness, I need closure.

The next time we kiss will be the last.
You don't know it yet,
Not in those terms.
But like old Velcro we are just now beginning to unstick.

And I will always remember how special I felt
On a night drive with you
Music and darkness and the clearest sky with the brightest stars
And all the possibilities sitting in the seat next to you
Young and infinite and aging.
But I know I was never special to you.
I just thought that if I wished hard enough
I would be.
Just the endless madding hope that one day
One of us would wake up different.

And So I'm finally giving up on you.

I will run until it doesn't hurt anymore
So far it hasn't happened yet.