.*

While you were sleeping
I was dreaming
Dreaming of ways to get out
to escape from the hunger that only emptiness
feeds

I was running down the street
In my mind
Barefoot and happy
Happy to be free even though I didn't know where to go

No.

You slept and I dreamed
weaving my web of beautiful lies
That made it easier to be here another day

That made the suffocation just a little bit sweeter
because I dreamt in heist
I dreamt I stole myself back
Pried your sleeping fingers off
And once I had them I never looked back

Especially all the beautiful things
That I lost because I gave them to you
And you misplaced them or didn't care to begin with

No.

I will not apologies or feel remorse
I dream of better days
And dwell where the sun was warmer
The air was purer
And people were too
People that loved me

Only,
I didn't know until now
But the past is in the past
I look forward to new starts

So I kiss the beauty that is really a beast
And bid you sleep on for another 100 years
While I escape into the freedom
Of a thousand fluttering thoughts
Awakening and opening to me.

If I have to, If I have to . . .
I will save myself instead of you.
You know this is true and yet,
You keep following me asking your questions,
Questions I don't have an answer too
Or that I'd rather not answer at all.

Ka is a wheel, and the sun moves around the earth
Moving me farther and farther away from you.
We are not the children we once were
And become more strangers then anything,
If anything at all.

And only one of us realizes this
And the other stubbornly disbelieves.
Still clinging to story's and fairytales
That I put away so long ago
Up in an attic in a box called heartbreak
That I scrawled your name under.
A year ago it was
And a year is a year, is a thousand miles to me now.

Save yourself and get out while you can
That box in the attic will eat you too
And it's not healthy to let all dreams die.
I am a machine with no heart
So spit on this dream of us and leave,
It's better for us both.
If any feelings remain
Let them change.



"And I'll try to forget even your name and the way that you look when you're sleeping, dreaming of this."

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." - Cor 13;11

Goodbye?

I miss you. I wish I could go back. You were the best friend I ever had in my whole entire life.
That night on the roof was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. How could something so flawlessly beautiful ruin everything?
And now I have nothing. I pushed everyone away and I am alone like a always wanted. Sometimes I still cry at night, I miss my family, I miss my house that isn't mine or even ours anymore, I miss the childhood I left there. And I miss you. The feeling goes away but always comes back with breathtaking clarity. And I know why you can't talk to me but I can't help feeling that the night on the roof has something to do with it.

Why is it always guys like him and never guys like you?
I'd take you even as a friend now. I really need you, I'm lost and I've lost so many things. . . Remind me of myself.

This is way to personal for here but I don't really care and I don't think anyone else really does either.
Mostly I just want to know that you're ok. Are you still happy? how are things? ... all the meaningless little wastes of time I miss sharing with you.

Rough draft

I never lied when I said I loved you
I did then
standing knee deep in snow
under a clear sky.

I didn't promise you anything
when we made love that night
again and again
It was a feeling that would pass

I never told you the most clear memory I have of you
was the next morning
The 8 o clock sun painting you gold
it was the only time, little did I know,
that you would be worth anything

And now there you are sleeping
breathing heavy, drool on the pillow,
And I can't get over the feeling
of how I detest you

How I would walk out that door if I could
But it's too late now.

Planets Will Dance

The stars walk softly tonight
holding their dim blue lanterns against the velvet expanse of mute space.
They chant softly in their ruined tongue of the winding universal dance
Their souls in trace
fall off the brink of this place.
Even God in his providence must sit back and stare
as they spin through the air
His heart must sink
as they fall off the brink
Knowing he must leave them there.
And even I so slow
Must weep as I go
to see the fading of such glorious light
and I know I have seen
as if in a dream
eternity fade this night.
A hearts sad turn
to see them burn
Complete into blackness devoured
for who yet would tell
of splendors that fell
upon this midnight hour?
But my trailing grief
At beauty so brief
Finding words within my ear
So soft the phase
My eyes to darkness raised
To see a light of hope appear.

White Lies and Dead Ends

I never wanted to lie
I say as I look into your eyes
willing you to believe me

Even now the voices play out in my head
The choir to our own harmonic destruction
(Do I really?)

I lay in unfamiliar beds
starring at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck all over the ceiling
I lied when I said I was afraid of the dark and hung them up there
The truth is I'm afraid of being left alone with myself

I let the idiotic benign glow of a muted television screen
Provide the lull of perfect distraction
to try and sleep for a few hours

Your arms clench and clutch at my body
uncomfortably
Your snores next to my ear make rest impossible


I will go
If you let me
but your hands only grab and grope over this body
that is bruised and no longer pure

My name means princess
But I am not a princess anymore
I am naked and gritty
In a bed at the top of a hill
surrounded by fields I have never walked in
And friends I will never make.

'Home'

I wind my way home
Along dark roads
Enjoying the scuffing of my feet on the pavement.
Enjoying the quiet in which I know everything sleeps
I own the world tonight.
What a waste it is for me
I am undeserving.

Barbed wire fences mute their sharpness in air
That soften even the fields they pen in
To melt perhaps into the familiar yards
Or the edge of everything
Only the darkness knows.
And I should be threatened by the vastness of that thought,
But the anonymity of enormity is somehow oddly comforting now.

I walk into the yard and the crunch of litter and leaves under my feet seems almost to loud.
The kitchen light is on and it paints hazy rectangles on the sleepy lawn.
I see you through the window sitting at the kitchen table in your robe
Your hair mussed from sleep.
Perhaps when I enter you will have a warm smile for me
That almost seems like a welcome.
Perhaps it will be your fist.
I never know these days.
But I do enter and sit down with you
A coffee cup in your hand,
Empty questions in mine
That I work over and over like a tattered piece of cloth
Never satisfied.
We sit in silence
Starring at our ghost shadows in the reflection of the table,
And we are the opposite of everything we ever thought we'd be.

"I'm not happy anymore."
"Then leave."

Hibernation and Rebirth

How can you see straight?
There's a train that's blowing by
It's always 12 o' clock when I start missing you the most
Just walk back in to your skin
Just for me this time

And make it look like a miracle
Like god breathing life into Adam
Make this bag of bones heave and sigh
And do one last trick again and again.

On and on
All whispers of regret are gone.


All my idiocentric twitches
And all my little secret discretions
Are separating us behind your back.
You'll wake up and I'll be gone
all my stuff packed and a very apologetic polite note on the pillow
And you'll have no idea of what happened.

And I don't have to explain
Or change myself for awhile
And this is all I long for.

Hibernation and rebirth
And all those things they tell you that you can have
will finally be attainable.

This skin in paper thin
I have stayed in it to long
It is chaffing and rubbing off
And I want to walk right out
And be nameless and nobody's property
Except to be the caregiver of this body
Which has been neglected of late

I have let other things slip
While I let myself go
I show myself out
At 2am.
You'll be sleeping
And the darkness muffles my noises
70 dollars for the cab
10 minutes to load
To take me away
Anywhere but here
Or as far away as 70 gets me.

In a new town with an old name
And the start of who I am coming back to me.