Thursday, October 15, 2009

I Don't Dream [of you] Anymore

I don't dream anymore.
I count the taps in the dark.
I stare into blackness
And mark the paces of the changing hours.

I hear all
As if I am the only person alive
And sometimes I fantasize that I am.
I waste hours into thinking
I let them slip down the walls,
Pooling on the carpet.

The second hand of a clock
Is a slow heartbeat
Dripping morphine into my eyes.
I don't feel.
There is no need of feeling.
Only cool observance.

I live lives,
A new one every hour
And become master of every domain
I could build city's just to burn them
And empires just to drown them in a sea.
And I think of you . . .

I don't dream or plan
Or spin with different outcomes
And perfect ends.
I just remember.

I listen to the silence
And gather what wisdom it has to offer.
The story of my agelessness
Is told and retold
Into waiting ears.
As if I was always meant for it,
I saved myself just to hear the tale.

It becomes lover and mother to me.
God and devil.
How I abhor it's mute presence
And find comfort in it's every whispered second.

It becomes Holy and Heavy.
And I am it's single lone virgin priestess.
Offering sacrifice of words
And melody's
And sound
In wordless absolution.

Giving it my voice,
At midnight and one,
And two, and three,
til even four or five.

I tread this dreaming house
With quiet footfalls
Drifting in and out
Stopping to explore this night world
Prying secrets from the moon
And only she would tell me
For I am pure now, like she.
And I am aging fast
With these secrets
Weighing down.
Not that I care.

I keep them,
And they become part of me.
And I belong to it,
But it does not belong to me.
This world of wakefulness.
I give it my self to do with what it will.
It dwells in this house
As if I had wanted it.
But we are both unwanted.

It gives me the time
To dangle my mind
To erode my thoughts
Into sugar crystals.
That granule into white mountains
Somewhere distant of here.
I drop thoughts,
Awful and ugly,
Like bombs
Where no one ever was.
Or balls
Against the floor
Just to see if they'll bounce.

I dismantle life's complexity's
Into grains of sand
And blow them about
On the coffee table.
And I wonder if I'm God now
Or merely mortal.

I watch the day punch
The living fuck out of the sky.
I hear the sounds of bones crack
And the bloody light
Globing about like an awful hangover.

I am not pure anymore.
I am a night whore with to much ridding.
This worn papery skin is no longer
Alabaster and smooth.

The purple circles
Carve hollows under
These stupid eye sockets.
Washing up like a bruise.

Day has hit me
For I belong with the night.
I am the child it never wanted
Or the lover it couldn't give a damn for.
It pulls me,
Tugging, stabbing,
To show me I am real.
I am not a ghost
. . . or a priestess.
I will be what it wants.
But I refuse.
My eyes are aflame,
Burning and red.
I dismiss it.
I will not dream anymore.
Not for you, for I, for it, for them.

I belong now.
And thats all that matters.

Monday, October 12, 2009

A Cold

I'm all clogged up.
Swollen shut.
I don't want to be open.
Leave me
And let me sleep
With nothing but tissues and nyquil
Perhaps a good movie.
On second thought . . .

forget the movie.

In a world without you.

In a world with out you.
A world i would of made less cold,
Less distant.

Where we could have a room between us
And not long long miles.
Were I could say your name
And you would hear me.

Instead of spiders dancing quietly in webs,
Instead of the children sleeping down stairs.

We would never realize or come to learn
What love is
Through the sweet and silent sacrifice
Of mothers lies.

We would never know the faults of our fathers
And they would be kings still in our eyes.

And mother would be washing dishes and wiping food off our chins
Instead of bleeding tissue boxes dry

We would never grow up . . . Like this.
no, never

like this. . .

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Today is our anniversary of sorts
The dawn comes
Muted and gray
I lay here
My eyes swollen
Like I've been hit
And perhaps I have

I heard the thunder waking me
In the middle of the night
But now all is calm.
The rain drips
Into the silence.
October has not been kind to me
And whatever this weather brings
It does not bring love back.

It is over
And I let the dream
Slip away into morning.
This was the last,
The last bit of me.

Every day will be a mile
That moves me further from you
I can live,
Remember how to forget. . .
But I don't forget anything,

Let every memory fade,
Light uncatchable joy
Has fled.
If God is merciful
I'll forget your name
And never remember I had it once.
You rescued me
And pulled my heart from it's dark hiding place.
You could of left me alone
And I would've been happy.
Some people want to be found. I don't.

Let the salt abrade me
Til I am no longer what I am.
I return the gifts of bravery and trust.
You have no right to tell me to be unafraid
When you are all that I fear.

Go. Take the dream with you
I don't want it anymore
I don't want anything.
Leave me to be.
I am over.


I wish I could drink in the sun
(the original one)
Drown in that air.
Instead of being weighed down
By clouds I could never touch,
I could never hold.
I dream of their feathery softness
Their radiant transparencies.
I shed the globules of fat
Off this human carcass
So I may rise.
Rise and tangle my hands,
My arms, my face,
In that space of unbelief
That is past hope into something greater
But simple and without fear or longing.
I would bring the whisps
Of pale incandescence to my lips
Breathing in,
Kissing inward and out.
Sliding it through my fingertips
The way I would strands of silky hair.
Holding it
Like memories.
The faint smell of powder
And cool touch of pearls on my cheek
Of a mother that would of held me.
The aroma of apple pie,
And being nestled in the crook of her arm
While she read story's of palaces in the sky.
A father that would of wanted me.

Please don't keep me away.
Don't let me stay
Down here
Where I cannot touch you.
I love you.
Don't turn dark for me.

Don't let
Dreams be
All I can have.

The End. (Again)

"9/25/09 -
I'm getting far to deep with you.
It hurt when I thought you wouldn't call
like all the others.
I thought this could be the beginning of the end.
I'm such a stupid girl.
Break my heart
So it can never be broken again.
For after you,
I don't want any other.
I hate feeling stupid.
I hate this easy vulnerability.
So fragile we are.
I could keep myself behind walls,
I could lock up my heart
In the highest tower of a fortress I've built,
But you would come
And kiss it,
Waking it of it's 100 year sleep,
And ruin everything.
I think you're playing with me
And I can't be played with anymore.
I'm not a toy
I'm a porcelain doll.
I've been dropped and kicked under beds
Far to many times.
I can't sustain another fall.
I would like to trust you
And believe in a thing called . . .
Caring and Protection
But I can't trust anybody
Or you.
But I want to
And that has got to count for something.

I wont tell you any of this
For though I want you to understand
I know you wont.
All the pain I carry around will only hurt you.
I'm trying to let go,
Dipping my toe tentatively into the water,
But I can't just yet.
Please be patient with me.
You have no idea how hard
Freedom is."

-All this stupid emotional bullshit. In a few words - I'm scared and rightly so. It's not you it's me. "

You, good sir, are a bastard. You have no idea how bad what you've really done is.