Sunday, June 28, 2009


2/23/07 on my anxiety disorder/ anorexia.

All the night is shadow.
In this little corner.
In this masquerade.
I hope I'm safe.
Who is this enemy of the night?
This shadow that bats me around,
That angers me?
Fear is swallowed up by the dawn
But how long until the night ceases to
plague me like black death?
How long until salvation has arrived?
How long must I live in this shadow land? . . .
And though I am scorched I may not
Drink the soothing water,
Though I die there is no one to hear my call.
All comfort is taken away.
There is no earthly safe house for one
Who stands outside the walls of Eden.

Oh, pensive night give up your ghosts
And torture me no longer.
Give up this right to plague me,
To rain control of my every move,
My every thought,
Give up the ghouls and monsters,
The demons hiding in your darkness
Take away my confines,
Let me walk free under the sun again
And let not the moon show her hideous face a shadow.

There is no mothers comfort for a terrified child
In this chronic and endless nightmare.
I am alone and utterly despondent
In this sea of false looking glass.

The screams are to big for my body
But I cannot let them out.
I will not go back to that place of hiding,
Of constant fear and illness.
I must find the trick switch to the trap door.
I must never return, not even for safety.
(Stay calm)
I have quarantined myself.
I cannot touch anything.
Whose the pariah now? . . .
I've decided to take a new turn with this much neglected blog. Instead of this being some myspace/facebook substitute ( both of which I have) I will use it to share the personal things I might not want just everybody that I know to see.
It will become very personal in nature. I will choose to share my thoughts on religion, loss, love, family, and Illness.

Our church went through a split a few years ago. The reasons are still sorted and confused but the why is still there.It can be speculated and assumed but it hangs there, unanswered, as in most such cases.
Unfortunately at the time I was so involved in the christian lifestyle that it actually mattered to me. I came to a stand still, confused over the matters of faith but acknowledging God I decided not the practice what many would call active Christianity.

Being raised a pastors daughter I know much of the Bible. But what I am willing to admit is I don't know God. When I was still active in the church most of my time was spend trying to fulfill the need to know God. Some are laments, some are prayers, others are musings or rages at my fruitless search.

I'm just a lost soul at the edge of a very interesting precipice. Don't judge me to hard, I'm still trying to figure things out.

oh, and I often think in poetical terms so if a lot of this veers towards poetry that's why.