Monday, January 31, 2011

Absolutely Nothing

I remember the oak tree in the back yard. It had a swing.
I remember the days I would lay there, with my sister or alone,
on small plaid blankets that we were given as babies.
And I remember looking up at the sun through the leaves
And how the wind would sound through the branches.
I wanted to lay there with you and hold your hand.
I wanted to share something beautiful with you.
But the tree out back is gone,
And so is my childhood home.
And we are so changed.
You never existed. The boy I gave my heart to down a telephone line and wanted to bring into my family and lay with on my baby blanket in the home I'd lived in my entire childhood never existed.
And I felt cheated.
And I feel lost.
And I am a fragment of the picture you once saw.

I have no home. I have no history. My sister now lives 50 miles away.
And I can't find that damn blanket,
I can't find it.
As if everything would fall into place if I did,
Like everything would finally make sense. . .

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I try to find myself

Me looking at them became
Me imagining I was you
Looking at them wishing they were me;
And all of them equaled what I could never become.
And all the pictures of myself were pictures I could never imitate.
All of them copy's of copy's of unoriginals
That I could never compete with.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

It's all a mistake

It's all a silly mistake.

I just wanted to be a little part of your world.

And I am destroyed like a tiny asteroid that used to be a planet.

(still no mail no mail no mail)

Somebody help me.

That lonely sound is the sound of my heart falling out of my chest, tendon by tendon, and shred by shred.

And if it is so, . . . if you are happy with her, (please be dontbe happy with her) then I wish you the best.

I am so happy for you.

It just breaks my heart to see you smile.

I don't mean to ruin your wedding day,
please just tell me you don't love me
And I can move on.

She looks so beautiful, and everything is just right, just perfect, just the way it's supposed to be. ( except its not)

And I hope life goes well for you. And I hope when she smiles at you
that you feel so much love.

I hope you enjoy every day with her til she's 90 and every blissful second is filled with as much love as I feel for you now
In this moment,
For the rest of your life.

I hope you are so god damned happy
I really do.



Don't marry her. I love you.

PPS: Disregard the last.