Eden

We loved with all that we had
But we were young
And the world was different.
The world will never be that way again.
So lets close our eyes tight,
Lets shut out the world
And weep
Weep with the shared understanding
Of what we lost

Eden is over

We were children And we were blessed.
But now we are old And blind forever.

Elemental

Sunshine burn me.
Won't you teach me?
Consume me and swallow me up
I want to know what obsession is.

And water seep my lungs
Fill me and kill me
Let your coldness claim me
Who could blame me
For wanting to be numb?

And air,
Oh, Air,
Destroy me.
Only you can erase me.
Rip the soul from my flesh
And the life from my bones.
I have longed to be effaced and erased
With nothing but a name

Dear You,

I think we should see other people.

See in me what you want me to be
And maybe I will become.
And I'll look past the frog and the prince
And hope to see a real boy, . . .

. . . Someday.

Back to You

I remember when I was all you needed.
I remember when we was all we had.
All the smiles, all the laughter,
Every promise . . .
I remember every word.

And it funny how things change,
It's funny how I don't know who you are anymore.
And all the cycles of the same
Keep coming back to me.

There's someone walking at the foot of the stairs
And there's something on the roof.
I am kept awake at night
And it all comes back to you

No matter what I tell myself
It all comes back to you.

Incompleat

My cold hands trace the shape of who I was before there was us.
I can't remember what I looked like
But I know I was dropped along the way,
Like a kids toy someone left on the seat of a bus
Nobody placed me in the lost and found box
And nobody called the number written on the bottom of my shoe
Because nobody cared
least of all you.

My frail hands placed you on a pedestal
Because I lost God and needed someone to worship
And couldn't bear being anyone
That wasn't crafted by someone

...

Forever
Isn't any longer
What it used to mean.

I'm worth failing

I'm worth failing
I'm really nothing at all
Spit it out because I taste bitter but the taste all the same still longing
Still familiar

Stay up
Stay awake
To hear me calling
At the break still black
And waiting

Retrace every line that was heard
And laugh at the sound of being rehearsed
Choke and smile and speak your heart out
Cough and look away at your queue

Am I still suffocating?

OJ

I brought you a glass of orange juice
Sweetness, sweetness in a cup I would say,
So you could drink it up

I smiled in the kitchen mashing away
A little army of pulp
You would think a genocide of blushing fruit
The sticky blood running down my arms
All to see you smile when I presented you with my gift

Creep up the stairs
with the glass peeking out from the rim
On a open flower
No king had such a gift
But you are asleep

And it's only a gift
A promise, a secret,
A flattery, a lie.

An open hand holding nothing
But the turning of such sweetness
That should have rotted on the vine

You Make The Sun Rise

Tiny vessels
With Untied ribbions
Float down streams
Where our paranoid illusions
get the best of us

We write letters to the Unkknown
And drop them in bottles
Into a sea of doubt
Hoping to make the sun rise
Over our craft that sails
Into the endless night

We stire the monsters in our gut
To remind our selves
That pain dosen't sleep
And neither do dreams
And just some new philosify
Won't bridge the gap or cure our infection
Iffinate possiiblites hush down
Into whispers in our wake.

We are void and waiting
To an end of existance.
All ends here with a kiss and an embrace
And I wish I was braver for you now
But there is no time for second chances
Or forgivness to grant them
The pull becomes our friend
Tunging us down beneath it's tireless weight
And we become free
A prissium forever broken
Into stardust and light.

I Am (II)

What a joke,
I said in a room full of strangers
But no one laughed
The clock beat out it's forever dance
all looked on seriously
Waiting for something more.

And like the resolution of the universe
Or premonitions of Armageddon
Whatever they waited for,
(So silently and patiently)
It never came.

And the trolley carts pushing along the street outside
With their breaks whining off into the night
And the sparks from their rusted wheels turning into stardust
Reminded me that like love or peace or god himself
It would never come.

Octane Twist

Octane twist
All I can do to keep myself together
Get better
And buy a new car
To with that second hand life
You've got

I don't want to try to make sense
Can someone tell me who you are?
Buy me something new
Someone I can use
I don't want to feel myself
Anymore

I'm a bore
And rightfully so
Give me a kiss
Of your octane twist
And I'll buy you something new
I'll be someone you can love.

We Are

We are the bitter seeds of promise
Choked, bled dry, and burned
Before their awakening

We are childhood dreams
Stabbed by the needle points of stars
We thought we could touch

We are romance
Ripped to shreds
Old rockers waiting for a widowed life

We are merely words
Spoken like enchantments
As if they had any power
"Come back to me."
Whispered slowly from ashen lips
At the midnight hour

We are the losing
And finding ones self
Just to lose again
And realizations about life,
Cold and inconsequential

That there is no you or me
But fantasy
And no winners
If this is indeed a game.

We are empty
Or at least I am.
You took from me,
Harvested for parts
Like some cheap back ally auto shop
Then moved on to share your delights with her.
I don't want you to come back
Just remember me
With more meaning
Then "some girl I knew."

We are nothing
There is no we
Or me
Only you.
It will ever only be you.

Give me back my life
The one I had before you existed
For you are all I see
The sun in my sky
(but he is more kind)
So let me return
Or stare into you until I'm blind.

Truth

We were everything to each other,
Briefly.

Remember to save sentiment for books and poems and music
And not for you

Because you don't care,
Not that I do.

Drag through the mud and stick with painful barbs
Every promise that we made
Cause one of us was lying

And it all wasn't true.

Let me 'get over' you
And stop waisting love
As if it was precious blood
Dripping out of an infected wound.

You are the ground which soaks it up
Without apology
And I don't understand.

These words which fumble over each other
Wont take away anything.

You are you
(whoever that is)
And I am me
(with melodrama to match my patheticness)

And I cannot hate you
Or love you
Or move anywhere in between

Die and give me over
Or say it was nothing more then a dream
But for once in your life
Answer me.



With truth
Answer me.

These days with you

We are young
It is morning
We are telling each other
That we love the other
But we know that eternity has a span
And soon the clock face will freeze
Into dead pale remembrances
Of our youthful yesterdays.

We are older
And it is noon
The sepia photographs
That I hold so dear
Curl around my fingertips with age.
You roam somewhere in this world
But return to visit from time to time
We can't forget
These years
We can't forget
Each others face
Which in the mind is still unfading

And when we're old
And it is night
Will you still think of me?
Will you still wrap my letters
In tattered ribbons of blue
Close to the heart.
Will you shed a tear at my my grave
For the long past yesterdays.
Will you remember and smile
And say my name once more.

Away

I am the hollow empty husk
That's been licked dry
by the consequence of being me,
of trying to hard.

Discarded like a used up tissue
That dried all the pathetic tears of your inconsequence.

I once was all you needed
Like oxygen you sucked from me
Now I float, weightless carbon dioxide,
useless to you.

Go and float, flicker
demented absinthe fairy.
Eat the hearts of stars
On the other side of the morning.

I'll be here
Haunting.
Ashen salt-spit half woman
That nobody cared to make whole.

Vomit gutter baby
Still sticky with the fleshy strings of your mucussed insides.
I don't cry
Or wait
but suffocate
in my forgotten dumpster.

Foggy nothingness
I ignore your letters
but keep them
to prove
(to who do I prove?)
That I was love once.

Letter to CJ

I think if we had a song of how our relationship miserably failed it would be Thinking of You by Katy perry.
By the way I'm glad that you told others about your illness. I wondered and still do if you were ever worried that I'd tell. . . pointless to think about I know, But I hope that you can find some small amount of trust worthiness in me.
I thought about you this morning. I try not to dwell on you to much, you know, part of moving on and all that. But my ipod started playing the start of something beautiful and it made me think of you again. after all you introduced me to that band.
And I wonder how many other girls you played just like me. Not that I would fault you for it. I should be angry but I'm not.
I wonder if it was just an elaborate game of trolling. Get a girl to say she loves you in X amount of time for X amount of points. I'm usually more sensible then that, but from now on I'll be extra cautious about like/love.
And I'll always wonder about you because you are a mystery to me. I will never be able to get inside your head or see things as you see them.
You were a great memory I just wish to God I could let you go. Some days I think I have. Some days I'm not so sure.
I just wish I could be brave again and not be so afraid of everything. I just don't wanna be somewhere years from now and still be thinking about that silly foolish boy and the silly foolish girl I was, and that month which means nothing to you and everything to me.
. . . I just wish it was the beginning of september again and it was only you and I . . . and that I hung up the phone the first time you said hello..

I want to keep believing in you,
but you can't convince me to fix whats wrong with us
With the world
With everything

I'm tired of pretending it's all my fault

Not now. Not ever. Never again.

There will never be another sunday for us.

Never There

Never there.
I don't think I shall be
Ever there.
The growl of the ocean lays me out
Stealing sounds from my mouth
Round oh's slip from my lips
Into the sand and the sky and the stone
Which is all salt,
all warm,
all fierce.
These bleed and cry
Like a pack of gulls
That circle over a morsel
Not quiet dead
But almost.
The stabbing sound
Heralding the world,
A death bell
And the last sound heard
Before the quiet and the black.
Dear God, what am I.

I changed everything for you

You use me in your unassuming paradoxical way.
Stretching my sinewy limbs until they snap
Then look heartbroken into my eyes and I claim the fault as mine and deem it unfixable leaving me to smash my fingers in futile attempt to make up for the wrong doing. I am fault and faultless.
Both virgin and whore.
I have nothing and you take from me
Scraping my dry wombed self as if it was an ocean to sink and swim and steal from.
Hording secrets of my self away til I don't know what I am.
And yet, I stay.
I stay and let you use
For what am I if not to take from?
What use is all the beautiful things in me if not to give them away?
So I lay prone under you and let your greedy hands skim and flutter over my not yet dead skin.
Prying open my chest to sift through my organs to pick and salvage what you will
out of the heart of me.
Telling me to throw away what you call worthless, til I am perfect to you
Or I would of thought after all the care you took shaping me
but somehow . . . still not good enough.
Trying to better change into what you want me to be,
Some golden monolith in the back of your mind.
If only I knew what it was,
If only you would tell me.
Please just tell me.

That is All

I miss Evan and I'm stuck.

I live in a land where the fields stretch off into the night
Like a green sea.
Whispers in the grass that tell of something more.

I am the daughter of an outlaw . . .
And a religious zealot.
With a gun in one hand and a bible in the other
Even though I don't believe.

But I have been taught to protect the old ways, the not so good ways,
Certain truths that are no more certain then the sky with it's ceaseless patterns
Claiming to be holy mystery's.
And no one found the looking glass
But it's claimed someone fell through
Into the rabbit hole
And around the bend and back again.

Nothing it true and yet it all is.
We don't decide
We just are
And must make the best of it.

What a joke.
But no ones laughing.
We take our lives to seriously.