Sometimes I think I have to many deep thoughts in my head
And when they come out the sound like shit and over dramatic.
So I think of ways to rework whats on my mind.
To take one small piece of beauty and focus on it.
Closing a piece here, or opening another . . .

or maybe I think all at once to slow and not at all.
Everything doesn't make sense. but does it have to?
Can't we just let the flowing take us?
Take us where it will?

I'm an idiot and I fancy thoughts to much.
These words and phases flow through my mind at the oddest times
and I find them beautiful.



In worlds with out you . . .

My cold hands . . .

I never left you . . .

I arise burning and virtuous . . .

I do not dream [of you ]anymore . . .

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blabady Blah

I'm begining to think that everything I do is shit.

So why bother doing anything at all?

Just Sleep.

Harlott

Drill inside me.
Don't you understand?
I want you to use me.

I want to feel the pricks
And burns of to much use.
I want you to feel nothing for me
As I do you.

Remain unattached
And floating
Like reflections in mirorless deeps.

Don't romance me.
Don't care
Or call me for days.
I like the numb
That comes
From to much heartbreak.

I like arsenic
And all things bitter.
Staving myself
From all beauty
And 'the loves of me'
It'll only do if it's no good
And worse.

Be fatal
And I'll kiss you
Be sweet if only distantly.
I know what you want
And only I,
I can give it to you.
As close to necrophilia
As a breath.

I'm cold but alive
If that
If barely.
Don't deny
You could push into
My stiff limbs
For hours.

I like it
Or as close to like as
I could come.
You adore
The gray perfect
Of me
Of my nothingness.

No remorse
No attachment
I put to much of me into
these pages
How dull
They seem.
How monotone.

I will learn to lie better
I promise
I will I'm sure
But somehow the words don't mean
Anything.
Now.











.

How Do I Love?

Remember when we were naive
And we said that we'd love forever?
Now I am tired
And sitting here
Watching the rain
Drip, drip, drip,
With the cigarettes
I don't smoke
And the whiskey
I don't drink.

We rode the pendulum
Of emotion
Swinging back and forth
And maybe you meant it
Or you were just bored.
I know I was
And sick of a sort of
Loneliness.

I suppose I should now confess I lied.
But that's only half truth
My emotions don't back up my words
And whatever heart I have is unsure.
Now that I have this
This us
I don't know how to proceed.

How do I love?
There is no book
To learn from
Or role model which I may rob of traits.
So I act,
And I feel that you do as well
We both suit our respective parts
We don't misstep
But the steps that are scripted to us.

But it isn't real
And we both know.
Though we deny it
Waiting for the day
When it will be real.
If it is to come.

We lie
With all honestly
And deceive so sincerely
That maybe our good intentions
Might change this in what it should be
Or could be.
Maybe we'll stop being Casanova
And simple fade
removing all glamor
To you and I.

I'm keeping myself
So when you leave
I won't go with you.

You say I'm not aware of whats going on.

That's true.
But it's ok.
Your world is so awful
I don't wanna be aware of whats going on.

Hope.

Please I want to let you know, but I don't want to speak.
You're destroying me and I love it.
You will kill me if you stop.

I'm so afraid of this.
This is so so dangerous.
I have a safe shell.
Promise me that if you take me from it
You will watch me and protect me.

I know I shouldn't
I know.
Trust has gotten me nowhere
But I want to trust you.
Do you hear me?
I want to make my self vulnerable to you
I am trembling but open.

Please, Please don't be like them.
I am already trusting you not to.

Don't hurt me.
You could
So easily
Already.

Age Worries

19. Who would want to be that age?

19. It seems to old.

It's not a nice age, a certain age,
You can't just breeze into 19.

19. God, How odd.

Just a year to awkwardly be.
It's only acceptable if you're confidant,
If you know where you're going in life.
If it's your first year of collage

But for the rest of us it's agonizing.
A weired obtuse, that fits no where good.

I'm 18 and that's where I'd like to be.

I wasted the best year of my life with you.
And after we broke up
Spent the last half of this one rotting.

I did nothing with my 18.
18 Could be an age of broken deep love
And growing up and creating
Something breathtakingly beautiful
To the beat of never dying
And music pounding on a darkened dance floor,
And purpose.
But I failed to do that.

And now I'll be 19.
It's not perfect, pretty, like 18.
It's not the golden carefree 17.
It's not even a sweet 16.

19.
How awkwardly odd.

The number makes me sick.
19.

Not even completed by 20.
But one final step closer.
By then I'll be hurdled
Into the adult world.

No more young and innocent
And youthfully beautiful
That youth that still clings
To childhood
It's perfection and hope.

20.
Who will want me then?

Nic

I thought about you recently. I don't know why. Then I saw you today, I thought it was a woman at first but then no, it was you. You were with mike (?) that singer from Touching Mrs. Dash. His hair was floating about in it's frizzy way, gauzy in the late noon sun,the kind of light that makes everything look buttery and absolutely meltable. I love that time of day.

I would of waved but I didn't recognize you til it was too late. But I'm kind of glad I didn't. You looked happy in that way that kids do when savoring every last drop of summer vacation, sponging up the warmth and carefree attitude that speaks of sultry nights and heat baked pavement with nothing to do but buy 98 cent slushys from Cumberland Farms and watch your shadow as the sun fries your skin.

So I thought I'd say hi in this sorta anonymous way, while your eyes are growing bloodshot from starring at the artificial light of a computer screen. Maybe your reading this at the brick house (do you still go there anymore?) perhaps your in your house or maybe out somewhere else, the multiple places you could, should, and probably are.

This started out as a comment and now It's a mini essay. My finger hovers on the 'backspace' button to replace this utterly stupid unasked for rambling with a non-discript "hey". But then I think "Hell, . . . . why not?"

Idk. Life

It's worse then I thought.

God, you actually love her.

I want that. I want that love that you have. I want to for once not have to sacrifice myself and leave this battlefield empty handed. Loosing the pieces of me, that once are gone you don't want me anymore.
I've given all my sympathy, all my goodness, all that was pure and right, laid down all beauty and desires for a better life. . . just to have to smile and gather whats left together. To act like it's ok, like I'm fine with it.
I depart head down and feet bare. I don't want this anymore. I have nothing left to give. I have no sacrifice in me that has not already been spilled and pawed over and at last rejected. I cannot love anymore. I haven't the strength.

I hope and I long from some deep dark center of my self. I weep but I whisper it, if only in my head -

Someday I'll find a man that loves me.

I didn't mean it, . . .

. . .What I failed to say.

8/29

The day has arrived.
I sit upon this bed in the shadows of morning.
And still
No call, no call, no call.

My day waists for you.
Every moment, every second,
Set aside
For loving you.
But I am alone now.

I should be with you
In the dark of some movie theater
Nervous, afraid
But so thrilled
To be in your presence.

I should be running
My fingertips
Along the soft cradle
Of your hands.
In wonder of their plains
And perfect proportion.

I could be speaking to you
In quiet tones
Afraid the
Thud, thud, thud,
Of my heart will be heard
At your nearness.

This day is for you
I wrote your name on it
In my clumsy child like script.
I was so excited
So naive.
But I am alone now.

So call, . . . or don't.
I don't care.
I don't really want to know
How your spending today.
I don't.
I try and try, not to think of
Where you are.

Because I know the most
Likely place
Is the place that causes me pain.
But I do wonder if you think of me this day.
If you remember, or if you forget.


How easily I am replaced.

How quickly I am blown from your mind.


"Please, please don't love her."

Machine

Electric motorcade
Tell me why I
Tick, tick, tick
Like some gawdaweful machine.

And who am I ticking for?
Who has my time?
Who buys my life?
I sweat in this rancid heat -
The heat of sweat and
Machine oiled together
Into something
Unhuman.

Tell me who brushed my lips
With those burning dry kisses
That make them crack and bleed?
Who cripples me?
So that I hobble about
Like an ancient thing
Begging to be
Put out of service.

So replace me
With the
New, new, new,
Til I am shinny
And in that tip top shape.
Smelling of a just bought car.
Well oiled to preform again
Til you ache to
Push and Pound
And drill,
Slam me shut
Beyond repairability
I will run as long as you want me.

Then stop.
And discard.
Leave me
But with the dignity
( i am already empty)
Remember to hang the
"Out of Service"
Sign around my neck.

I will tick for no one.

The 9th Nirvana (just for fun)

You twitch,
My little body.
Oh how you scratch
And claw.
Itching burning to
Be under the surface of things.
Your mouth is a golden moon
Frozen in an O
A shriek, A shriek that nobody hears.
Gaping, gaping
Waterless goldfish
Gobbling stars
Til your belly is full of them
Til your throat is stuffed up
To the brim.
Do you vomit up chaotic galaxy's,
The belly splits and the universe comes tumbling out?
Do you crawl in a corner
And hide from the light that made you sick?
No, you twitch and twitch
Silent shrieks
Rising up to claw the heaven
With your mute keening.
You could be a god.
A balloon rising, rising,
Filling with gasses
Up and up into the darkness you love so well.
Stabbed with needle points of stars
Letting that other,
That other thing through.
You could be hours
Or minutes
You could be defying gravity and seeing God.
But you don't.

You trip switch

You substancless cloud.


You cry for you are
Nothing.

You are unable to dance this dance
Or see this here
Transcendence.

Just shooting off thoughts

"We crossed the line.
Who pushed who over?

It doesn't matter to you.
it matters to me."



"We're cut adrift, but still floating.
I'm only hanging on to watch you go down,
my love.

I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me.
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted.


Desperation is a tender trap
It gets you every time.

You put your lips to her lips
To stop the lie.

Her skin is pale like God's only dove
Screams like an angel for your love
Then she makes you watch her from above . . ."

Did you need her like a drug?

No, this started out wrong.
I didn't want it to be like this.
Hear me out,
Please, I almost say . . .
But I don't want to be desperate.
Still I hope you stay and listen.

But now that your here
I've lost all my words.
I had them I swear,
I riffle through my memory like scraps of paper
Looking for that one important piece,
The piece that was supposed
To make all this go away.

I am caught naked and ashamed
But I don't think you see that.
Instead it's just another failure
Another thing to sigh and shake your head at.
I know I'm incompetent.

I spent hours on it you know,
I thought and thought
And put those thoughts into words.
Night after night I'd practice
The inflections.
Til it was perfect to my eyes,
Or nearly so,
Til through my clumsy way,
I would get my point across.

I know it's not a masterpiece,
But maybe, a work of art.
And I created it just for you.
You were my muse,
And my inspiration.
The one it was dedicated to.

Each syllable shifted
To give it just the light I had in mind.
Each pause and start to offset it's wonder.
And I made it just for you.
But you'll never hear it.
I lost it you see,
I would apologize
But I doubt,
I doubt the familiar sound
Would ring with as much truth
As I'd want it to.

So I shift from foot to foot
Awkwardly.
Almost crying.
But somehow oddly understanding
Your impatience with me.
I know I need to grow up,
I do.

" Your free to leave me but just don't decieve me and please, believe me when I say I love you . . . "


I found out.

Hiku? I don't know.

I lay here.

I could be a leaf

or a petal floating in water

But I'm not.

I am a Sarah

And the water I'm floating in

Is only exhaustion.

He distracts me

His hands could be clocks
Ticking away hours


Is this what I want?


Is this what I dream?


What do I dream?


I'm afraid of that, the shadows of my wants.
That hover like the children I've killed in the corner of my vision.
I feel them breathing on me.
I don't look but let the fuzzy shapes hover there
Never taking substance.
Never being.


Like desire
Or passion.
The greater more that's supposed to drive us.


Then there is him.
And I feel pain in the pleasure.
A horror in the want
That something bad is about to happen . . .



Oh, fuck it.
. . . Why not?