The Last

I am at last to tired to play games
My lipstick melted off long ago
And now I only look like a silly clown
Trying to get boys half her age
Because the real men go out with real woman

But I am to tired to care
Seduction is a wasted effort
I don't want to meet new people
And have men, the same men crammed down my throat
Again and again

I know the way it goes
And it bores me.
No, at last I am done.
All washed up and under 20.
Dear god, what is the rest of life to me?
But an endless parade of monotony.

I used to be vibrant and magnetic
But these magnates have reverted
And I only want the silence that brings.
I crave to be alone and lost
In cold winters of forgetfulness
Where even the birds don't sing.

Oh, I am so melodramatic.
So cliche and over the top.
I disgust me.
Old pathetic whore everyone laughs at.
I am so tired
And no sleep will come to me.

Admitance to the East Wing

I want to get as far away from here as I can.
The curtains around each bed draw me in
Sucking secrets out of me
Their green is a hypnosis that denies all subterfuge
The fill in words to your little blanks come tripping out

I hear the squeaks of nurses shoes against the dull shinny linoleum
Hushed always hushed
When the talk about you two feet away
Scratching your identity in ink on a white form
You are known by a number or a name that in latin means something entirely different

The rippling of thinly controlled panic beaches its self hear
In, out, the ventilators breath.
This is a living room
And I am over exposed
My reds and whites smearing into you
A photograph someone left to long developing
This symptom of a genetic accident

They pity and do not pity you
Rolling you into rooms where the smell of downers
Washes over you in waves of sicking health.
Pills are given out to make all the patients float
Red balloon heads in a circle
Talking about why they're here
If they can sound the words out.
I can't escape the feeling of escape
I don't belong here

I'm not crazy.

Tripping switches, sparking wires, speaking to myself.

The doctor gives me a strange look and a piece of paper
That is supposed to enclose me back into a womb
white. safe. controlled.
The sheets breath with me in between them.
Stone under a rolling tide.
And then even the nurses will appear less and less
Til one day they tell you
You can leave
Cured of your affliction,
Pariah no more.
Oh god doctor oh, fear of life
you drink my wounds like love.

While You Were Sleeping

.*

While you were sleeping
I was dreaming
Dreaming of ways to get out
to escape from the hunger that only emptiness
feeds

I was running down the street
In my mind
Barefoot and happy
Happy to be free even though I didn't know where to go

No.

You slept and I dreamed
weaving my web of beautiful lies
That made it easier to be here another day

That made the suffocation just a little bit sweeter
because I dreamt in heist
I dreamt I stole myself back
Pried your sleeping fingers off
And once I had them I never looked back

Especially all the beautiful things
That I lost because I gave them to you
And you misplaced them or didn't care to begin with

No.

I will not apologies or feel remorse
I dream of better days
And dwell where the sun was warmer
The air was purer
And people were too
People that loved me

Only,
I didn't know until now
But the past is in the past
I look forward to new starts

So I kiss the beauty that is really a beast
And bid you sleep on for another 100 years
While I escape into the freedom
Of a thousand fluttering thoughts
Awakening and opening to me.

If I have to, If I have to . . .
I will save myself instead of you.
You know this is true and yet,
You keep following me asking your questions,
Questions I don't have an answer too
Or that I'd rather not answer at all.

Ka is a wheel, and the sun moves around the earth
Moving me farther and farther away from you.
We are not the children we once were
And become more strangers then anything,
If anything at all.

And only one of us realizes this
And the other stubbornly disbelieves.
Still clinging to story's and fairytales
That I put away so long ago
Up in an attic in a box called heartbreak
That I scrawled your name under.
A year ago it was
And a year is a year, is a thousand miles to me now.

Save yourself and get out while you can
That box in the attic will eat you too
And it's not healthy to let all dreams die.
I am a machine with no heart
So spit on this dream of us and leave,
It's better for us both.
If any feelings remain
Let them change.



"And I'll try to forget even your name and the way that you look when you're sleeping, dreaming of this."

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." - Cor 13;11

Goodbye?

I miss you. I wish I could go back. You were the best friend I ever had in my whole entire life.
That night on the roof was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. How could something so flawlessly beautiful ruin everything?
And now I have nothing. I pushed everyone away and I am alone like a always wanted. Sometimes I still cry at night, I miss my family, I miss my house that isn't mine or even ours anymore, I miss the childhood I left there. And I miss you. The feeling goes away but always comes back with breathtaking clarity. And I know why you can't talk to me but I can't help feeling that the night on the roof has something to do with it.

Why is it always guys like him and never guys like you?
I'd take you even as a friend now. I really need you, I'm lost and I've lost so many things. . . Remind me of myself.

This is way to personal for here but I don't really care and I don't think anyone else really does either.
Mostly I just want to know that you're ok. Are you still happy? how are things? ... all the meaningless little wastes of time I miss sharing with you.

Rough draft

I never lied when I said I loved you
I did then
standing knee deep in snow
under a clear sky.

I didn't promise you anything
when we made love that night
again and again
It was a feeling that would pass

I never told you the most clear memory I have of you
was the next morning
The 8 o clock sun painting you gold
it was the only time, little did I know,
that you would be worth anything

And now there you are sleeping
breathing heavy, drool on the pillow,
And I can't get over the feeling
of how I detest you

How I would walk out that door if I could
But it's too late now.

Planets Will Dance

The stars walk softly tonight
holding their dim blue lanterns against the velvet expanse of mute space.
They chant softly in their ruined tongue of the winding universal dance
Their souls in trace
fall off the brink of this place.
Even God in his providence must sit back and stare
as they spin through the air
His heart must sink
as they fall off the brink
Knowing he must leave them there.
And even I so slow
Must weep as I go
to see the fading of such glorious light
and I know I have seen
as if in a dream
eternity fade this night.
A hearts sad turn
to see them burn
Complete into blackness devoured
for who yet would tell
of splendors that fell
upon this midnight hour?
But my trailing grief
At beauty so brief
Finding words within my ear
So soft the phase
My eyes to darkness raised
To see a light of hope appear.

White Lies and Dead Ends

I never wanted to lie
I say as I look into your eyes
willing you to believe me

Even now the voices play out in my head
The choir to our own harmonic destruction
(Do I really?)

I lay in unfamiliar beds
starring at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck all over the ceiling
I lied when I said I was afraid of the dark and hung them up there
The truth is I'm afraid of being left alone with myself

I let the idiotic benign glow of a muted television screen
Provide the lull of perfect distraction
to try and sleep for a few hours

Your arms clench and clutch at my body
uncomfortably
Your snores next to my ear make rest impossible


I will go
If you let me
but your hands only grab and grope over this body
that is bruised and no longer pure

My name means princess
But I am not a princess anymore
I am naked and gritty
In a bed at the top of a hill
surrounded by fields I have never walked in
And friends I will never make.

'Home'

I wind my way home
Along dark roads
Enjoying the scuffing of my feet on the pavement.
Enjoying the quiet in which I know everything sleeps
I own the world tonight.
What a waste it is for me
I am undeserving.

Barbed wire fences mute their sharpness in air
That soften even the fields they pen in
To melt perhaps into the familiar yards
Or the edge of everything
Only the darkness knows.
And I should be threatened by the vastness of that thought,
But the anonymity of enormity is somehow oddly comforting now.

I walk into the yard and the crunch of litter and leaves under my feet seems almost to loud.
The kitchen light is on and it paints hazy rectangles on the sleepy lawn.
I see you through the window sitting at the kitchen table in your robe
Your hair mussed from sleep.
Perhaps when I enter you will have a warm smile for me
That almost seems like a welcome.
Perhaps it will be your fist.
I never know these days.
But I do enter and sit down with you
A coffee cup in your hand,
Empty questions in mine
That I work over and over like a tattered piece of cloth
Never satisfied.
We sit in silence
Starring at our ghost shadows in the reflection of the table,
And we are the opposite of everything we ever thought we'd be.

"I'm not happy anymore."
"Then leave."

Hibernation and Rebirth

How can you see straight?
There's a train that's blowing by
It's always 12 o' clock when I start missing you the most
Just walk back in to your skin
Just for me this time

And make it look like a miracle
Like god breathing life into Adam
Make this bag of bones heave and sigh
And do one last trick again and again.

On and on
All whispers of regret are gone.


All my idiocentric twitches
And all my little secret discretions
Are separating us behind your back.
You'll wake up and I'll be gone
all my stuff packed and a very apologetic polite note on the pillow
And you'll have no idea of what happened.

And I don't have to explain
Or change myself for awhile
And this is all I long for.

Hibernation and rebirth
And all those things they tell you that you can have
will finally be attainable.

This skin in paper thin
I have stayed in it to long
It is chaffing and rubbing off
And I want to walk right out
And be nameless and nobody's property
Except to be the caregiver of this body
Which has been neglected of late

I have let other things slip
While I let myself go
I show myself out
At 2am.
You'll be sleeping
And the darkness muffles my noises
70 dollars for the cab
10 minutes to load
To take me away
Anywhere but here
Or as far away as 70 gets me.

In a new town with an old name
And the start of who I am coming back to me.

Amy your a star

You say this cheap pink dress looks amazing on me
the lining makes me itch
I fidget at it's scratchiness
you say it makes me look five years older
Although I think younger is what you mean.
You say I'm photogenic as you snap a picture or two
but hey why not lower the sleeve on the shoulder a bit?
snap flash snap
why not a bit more?
Oh no that wont do.
hey, why not lower it completely?
All the stars do,
there we are
snap snap
How bout you lean back a bit, legs apart
wait those panties are the wrong color
Don't mean to make you uncomfortable, you smile
but could we take them off?

God you're beautiful.
your going to be famous

you look a little tense
how are we supposed to do this love scene?
you slide next to me
growing closer, warmer.
lips on my flesh
breath inhaling
exhaling.
hand on my leg
sliding up . . .
hey now, why so jumpy?
just relax
. . .relax.

lean back a bit
clothing fumbling
the sharp sound of zipper teeth unclenching
god kid, you'll be bigger than Madonna
closer, closer.
that's right, you look so goddamn sexy
cant control myself you say,
as if it was my fault.
sharp press of pain
you hold me down as I squirm and cry
hey, hey kid
where do you think your going?
deeper, deeper you drill
I thought I would split in two
but no.
no, harder and faster.
the pain flashing like waves behind my closed eyes
I don't want to see
why had I agreed to come here?
why?
It's over after an eternity
you lay there a minute your weight crushing me
I wish it would and I would stop breathing.
you pull away,
a long strand of drool on your lip
look at me hazily as if you don't remember what happened
who you are
you zip up your pants and turn away
disgusted with me

put on your cloths
we're done here.

Places and Fear

There is a place, a secret place where I would crawl down.

A hand.
A hand to lead me
then forget me in a busy intersection
leaving me crying and confused.
I was only four
How could you?

A candle to burn away the cold.
I'd wind my way down to the garden
where you'd be waiting for me
to love,
to love and promise.
I believed you.
And at 14 I didn't know that believe
was just a fancy word for lie.
But I would learn.

I'd open the gate and walk to the street corner.
The traffic lights blinked
on
off
on
off
glow sticks to draw out the night life moths
to feed and parasitic suckle on innocence
til innocence is long gone.
And not even a memory remains.

I sell myself for the currency of love
hoping to buy back time.
But it's no use.
And these street lights keep getting dimmer
Or maybe it's just me.
And I can't seem to escape this feeling that there once was something more.
And it's cloudy now but I can't see the sun;
so tired of consistently, consistently, being consistently the same.

And I remember that night
You touched my lips
And told me not to worry.
I cried and you told me it would be alright.
The smoke from the fire blocking the sky,
The blue and red lights of fire trucks and ambulances
The smell of you and the panic.
I told you I had never seen anything more beautiful.
You looked at me and said "neither have I."
I was the only time I had ever felt truly loved

I can't feel anything anymore.

He

You give me a cold resting place
Up on a frost bitten moor
With nothing but the dead grass
Like the hair of a thousand corpses peeking out from under the snow.
You give me a frail resting place
upon this fevered bed.
You are gone
and the ice splinters of my breath hang and stare at me from the ceiling
There is nothing for me here.
And I know somewhere in the back of your head you have put me to rest
In a sleep which makes death seem a lullaby
You said you would never think of me
Did you really mean never, dearest?
For the nights turn still colder and even the day's seem widowed in flat gray.
But no . . . . . . I remember the way you turned from me.
Your never was complete.

You won't come back.

please just take [blank] from my hands.

Please just take this pen from my hand
All it spouts is lies and shit
And beauty has left me

I'm dead inside.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I can't fix this
it
us
me

And at last I'm to tired to try.

gotta preform for them, and them, and me.

Didn't remember how it was
back when my thoughts were unknown
my heart was secret
when I was just and only Sarah.

Please just take it from me
I wont give it up
although feebly my hand clutches it,
pathetically.

Can't stop.
And I don't remember why,
Why that was so important anymore.

I believe you are more then enough for me
I believe that change is just around the corner
I believe that better times are coming
That I'll make it out not only alive but successful


Believe is just a fancy way of saying lie.

Does This Make Sense

I tried and I tripped
And I stumbled
To reach what I thought was you
Way out here.

And I was breathless and hurting and longing
and my shoes were dirty and my pants were ripped
way out here.

And I saw a man bury his daughter
in the garden
out here

And a man eat his hand
because he can
and liked the ring of cannibal
way out here.

But there was no you
and there was no silver longing or imagination
there was no
there was no
you'




I started a fight because I felt reckless
And needed to scream
and I was bloody and he was bruised
and I still felt restless between
these pages that keep flipping
and turning
and twisting
and walking out on me.

And I just needed to breath

Blank

Please someone stop me from being empty.

No matter how
The endless whoring
Leavings me tangled in the sheets
By morning

I'm an empty doll
Any day
(I'm waiting,
Waiting for the call)
I'm waiting for you to say
"You're so not worth it."

I'm waiting for you to treat me
Like the disposable
That I am.

I have no feelings
And I lie so much
That maybe this is true

I am fretting
And regretting
over you
I am a thing to be forgotten

Please,
While I have your attention
Ladies, gentlemen,
This truth I will not brush up,
Or paint over,
Or cover up.

Misetro, drum roll please . . .



You never deserved me

Eden

We loved with all that we had
But we were young
And the world was different.
The world will never be that way again.
So lets close our eyes tight,
Lets shut out the world
And weep
Weep with the shared understanding
Of what we lost

Eden is over

We were children And we were blessed.
But now we are old And blind forever.

Elemental

Sunshine burn me.
Won't you teach me?
Consume me and swallow me up
I want to know what obsession is.

And water seep my lungs
Fill me and kill me
Let your coldness claim me
Who could blame me
For wanting to be numb?

And air,
Oh, Air,
Destroy me.
Only you can erase me.
Rip the soul from my flesh
And the life from my bones.
I have longed to be effaced and erased
With nothing but a name