Absolutely Nothing

I remember the oak tree in the back yard. It had a swing.
I remember the days I would lay there, with my sister or alone,
on small plaid blankets that we were given as babies.
And I remember looking up at the sun through the leaves
And how the wind would sound through the branches.
I wanted to lay there with you and hold your hand.
I wanted to share something beautiful with you.
But the tree out back is gone,
And so is my childhood home.
And we are so changed.
You never existed. The boy I gave my heart to down a telephone line and wanted to bring into my family and lay with on my baby blanket in the home I'd lived in my entire childhood never existed.
And I felt cheated.
And I feel lost.
And I am a fragment of the picture you once saw.

I have no home. I have no history. My sister now lives 50 miles away.
And I can't find that damn blanket,
I can't find it.
As if everything would fall into place if I did,
Like everything would finally make sense. . .

I try to find myself

Me looking at them became
Me imagining I was you
Looking at them wishing they were me;
And all of them equaled what I could never become.
And all the pictures of myself were pictures I could never imitate.
All of them copy's of copy's of unoriginals
That I could never compete with.

There I Found Regret Amongst The Trees

Mother To No One

It's all a mistake

It's all a silly mistake.

I just wanted to be a little part of your world.

And I am destroyed like a tiny asteroid that used to be a planet.

(still no mail no mail no mail)


Somebody help me.

That lonely sound is the sound of my heart falling out of my chest, tendon by tendon, and shred by shred.


And if it is so, . . . if you are happy with her, (please be dontbe happy with her) then I wish you the best.

I am so happy for you.

It just breaks my heart to see you smile.

I don't mean to ruin your wedding day,
please just tell me you don't love me
And I can move on.

She looks so beautiful, and everything is just right, just perfect, just the way it's supposed to be. ( except its not)

And I hope life goes well for you. And I hope when she smiles at you
that you feel so much love.

I hope you enjoy every day with her til she's 90 and every blissful second is filled with as much love as I feel for you now
In this moment,
For the rest of your life.

I hope you are so god damned happy
I really do.

Farewell.

PS:

Don't marry her. I love you.

PPS: Disregard the last.

A day in the life of a ordinary housewife

He hit me again today.
The slap painting a primary red onto my cheek
The stinging surprise turning my face into a burning question mark.
Today there would be nothing further, thankfully,
My eyes swim but I do not cry;
For outside the sun is shinning and there are birds
So i am happy.

Today there was more
He hit me and then there was rough hands
Pushing me down into thin sheet covering the mattress.
The breathlessness as your weight pinned me there;
Black spots dancing into my vision.
The hardly noticeable agony of what our lower halves were doing.
My eyes roll to the window
The sun is shinning but there are no birds today
But perhaps there will be grass in the spring
Luxuriant, soft, fragrant, blades of grass and I think of this
And I am happy.

And today was the last time
That he would hit me.
Blue and violent blooming on my face like badly placed make up.
(I'm so sorry dear, let me get a tissue to wipe it off)
The red lines exclaim on pale skin where he took my clothes off too hastily.
There were no birds or sun;
A white sheet wrapped around my face and neck so I could not see the window,
But only stars once, when my head hit the corner of the bedside table.
I will not get to see the grass in the spring,
But I think of it winding it's roots over me
And the flowers that will grow there,
And I think of how lovely they will be.
Perfect and delicate, fragrant and frail, pink petals that I may never touch -
But still, I think of them,
And I am so very happy.

Daughter Father

If only you could hear me,
Hear the screams of my uncomfort
Stretching and ripping this skin dress
That I have tried to live in
For the past twenty years.
Trying to be what you wanted me to be,
Or at least what you could stand looking at.

So look at me!
Shinny and plastic but I'm not smiling.
Ripped from the heart and roots up.
Wondering if there will ever come a day
When you will see me and accept me for what I am.
Wondering if there will ever be a day that I can walk with my head up
Scuffling to school with my back pack and old shoes.
Wondering if your tongue will ever be unloosened and you can speak the words of love to me -
Daughter.
If there will ever be a day I can live with out your acceptance
Haunting me down in the foot tracks of everything I touch.

That I can touch
With out the hate and knifes
Of loneliness slipping from out between your hard lips and teeth
Killing everything I love.

I dream of the day that my rootless heart,
The roots you cut hoping I would die,
Would be free to drift like a child's balloon
Off into a new place of rainbows and neverland island.
That I can erase the name whose hate only drags me down
Like a weight on my foot in the ocean.
That I can find a word that will mean love
Instead of the bitter rejection that you have crammed down into my thoughts
And slipped into my baby bottle
Like a slow working poison.
That you have plunged like shrapnel into my heart with every missed childhood moment
And silence of ignorant, ignoring, avoidance of eyes
When I needed you to see me the most.

No more will these memories of pain and missed chances
Wake me up at night and follow my home.
No more will the dream that you will embrace your self,
The self in me,
Remove the love I have for you in my heart.
I don't need you
And I am through.

Hey

I can't help but remember your face
Are you happy?
Are you well?
Is it hell?
It is for me.

Does she smile when she see's you?
Does she always greet you
like it's the first and the last time?

Do you talk with her like we used to
And when she dreams is it with you?

I don't have nice things to give you.
I don't have a innocent girls room with turquoise walls
And pink bedcovers
Filled with stuffed elephants you won for her.

I don't have anything.

My mind tells me all the reasons why this isn't good
Why it should be right
But I can't take my eyes off of you

And I hope when you dream it's of me.

And all the while I was dreaming
About being
her.

The Last

I am at last to tired to play games
My lipstick melted off long ago
And now I only look like a silly clown
Trying to get boys half her age
Because the real men go out with real woman

But I am to tired to care
Seduction is a wasted effort
I don't want to meet new people
And have men, the same men crammed down my throat
Again and again

I know the way it goes
And it bores me.
No, at last I am done.
All washed up and under 20.
Dear god, what is the rest of life to me?
But an endless parade of monotony.

I used to be vibrant and magnetic
But these magnates have reverted
And I only want the silence that brings.
I crave to be alone and lost
In cold winters of forgetfulness
Where even the birds don't sing.

Oh, I am so melodramatic.
So cliche and over the top.
I disgust me.
Old pathetic whore everyone laughs at.
I am so tired
And no sleep will come to me.

Admitance to the East Wing

I want to get as far away from here as I can.
The curtains around each bed draw me in
Sucking secrets out of me
Their green is a hypnosis that denies all subterfuge
The fill in words to your little blanks come tripping out

I hear the squeaks of nurses shoes against the dull shinny linoleum
Hushed always hushed
When the talk about you two feet away
Scratching your identity in ink on a white form
You are known by a number or a name that in latin means something entirely different

The rippling of thinly controlled panic beaches its self hear
In, out, the ventilators breath.
This is a living room
And I am over exposed
My reds and whites smearing into you
A photograph someone left to long developing
This symptom of a genetic accident

They pity and do not pity you
Rolling you into rooms where the smell of downers
Washes over you in waves of sicking health.
Pills are given out to make all the patients float
Red balloon heads in a circle
Talking about why they're here
If they can sound the words out.
I can't escape the feeling of escape
I don't belong here

I'm not crazy.

Tripping switches, sparking wires, speaking to myself.

The doctor gives me a strange look and a piece of paper
That is supposed to enclose me back into a womb
white. safe. controlled.
The sheets breath with me in between them.
Stone under a rolling tide.
And then even the nurses will appear less and less
Til one day they tell you
You can leave
Cured of your affliction,
Pariah no more.
Oh god doctor oh, fear of life
you drink my wounds like love.

While You Were Sleeping

.*

While you were sleeping
I was dreaming
Dreaming of ways to get out
to escape from the hunger that only emptiness
feeds

I was running down the street
In my mind
Barefoot and happy
Happy to be free even though I didn't know where to go

No.

You slept and I dreamed
weaving my web of beautiful lies
That made it easier to be here another day

That made the suffocation just a little bit sweeter
because I dreamt in heist
I dreamt I stole myself back
Pried your sleeping fingers off
And once I had them I never looked back

Especially all the beautiful things
That I lost because I gave them to you
And you misplaced them or didn't care to begin with

No.

I will not apologies or feel remorse
I dream of better days
And dwell where the sun was warmer
The air was purer
And people were too
People that loved me

Only,
I didn't know until now
But the past is in the past
I look forward to new starts

So I kiss the beauty that is really a beast
And bid you sleep on for another 100 years
While I escape into the freedom
Of a thousand fluttering thoughts
Awakening and opening to me.

If I have to, If I have to . . .
I will save myself instead of you.
You know this is true and yet,
You keep following me asking your questions,
Questions I don't have an answer too
Or that I'd rather not answer at all.

Ka is a wheel, and the sun moves around the earth
Moving me farther and farther away from you.
We are not the children we once were
And become more strangers then anything,
If anything at all.

And only one of us realizes this
And the other stubbornly disbelieves.
Still clinging to story's and fairytales
That I put away so long ago
Up in an attic in a box called heartbreak
That I scrawled your name under.
A year ago it was
And a year is a year, is a thousand miles to me now.

Save yourself and get out while you can
That box in the attic will eat you too
And it's not healthy to let all dreams die.
I am a machine with no heart
So spit on this dream of us and leave,
It's better for us both.
If any feelings remain
Let them change.



"And I'll try to forget even your name and the way that you look when you're sleeping, dreaming of this."

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." - Cor 13;11

Goodbye?

I miss you. I wish I could go back. You were the best friend I ever had in my whole entire life.
That night on the roof was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. How could something so flawlessly beautiful ruin everything?
And now I have nothing. I pushed everyone away and I am alone like a always wanted. Sometimes I still cry at night, I miss my family, I miss my house that isn't mine or even ours anymore, I miss the childhood I left there. And I miss you. The feeling goes away but always comes back with breathtaking clarity. And I know why you can't talk to me but I can't help feeling that the night on the roof has something to do with it.

Why is it always guys like him and never guys like you?
I'd take you even as a friend now. I really need you, I'm lost and I've lost so many things. . . Remind me of myself.

This is way to personal for here but I don't really care and I don't think anyone else really does either.
Mostly I just want to know that you're ok. Are you still happy? how are things? ... all the meaningless little wastes of time I miss sharing with you.

Rough draft

I never lied when I said I loved you
I did then
standing knee deep in snow
under a clear sky.

I didn't promise you anything
when we made love that night
again and again
It was a feeling that would pass

I never told you the most clear memory I have of you
was the next morning
The 8 o clock sun painting you gold
it was the only time, little did I know,
that you would be worth anything

And now there you are sleeping
breathing heavy, drool on the pillow,
And I can't get over the feeling
of how I detest you

How I would walk out that door if I could
But it's too late now.

Planets Will Dance

The stars walk softly tonight
holding their dim blue lanterns against the velvet expanse of mute space.
They chant softly in their ruined tongue of the winding universal dance
Their souls in trace
fall off the brink of this place.
Even God in his providence must sit back and stare
as they spin through the air
His heart must sink
as they fall off the brink
Knowing he must leave them there.
And even I so slow
Must weep as I go
to see the fading of such glorious light
and I know I have seen
as if in a dream
eternity fade this night.
A hearts sad turn
to see them burn
Complete into blackness devoured
for who yet would tell
of splendors that fell
upon this midnight hour?
But my trailing grief
At beauty so brief
Finding words within my ear
So soft the phase
My eyes to darkness raised
To see a light of hope appear.

White Lies and Dead Ends

I never wanted to lie
I say as I look into your eyes
willing you to believe me

Even now the voices play out in my head
The choir to our own harmonic destruction
(Do I really?)

I lay in unfamiliar beds
starring at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck all over the ceiling
I lied when I said I was afraid of the dark and hung them up there
The truth is I'm afraid of being left alone with myself

I let the idiotic benign glow of a muted television screen
Provide the lull of perfect distraction
to try and sleep for a few hours

Your arms clench and clutch at my body
uncomfortably
Your snores next to my ear make rest impossible


I will go
If you let me
but your hands only grab and grope over this body
that is bruised and no longer pure

My name means princess
But I am not a princess anymore
I am naked and gritty
In a bed at the top of a hill
surrounded by fields I have never walked in
And friends I will never make.

'Home'

I wind my way home
Along dark roads
Enjoying the scuffing of my feet on the pavement.
Enjoying the quiet in which I know everything sleeps
I own the world tonight.
What a waste it is for me
I am undeserving.

Barbed wire fences mute their sharpness in air
That soften even the fields they pen in
To melt perhaps into the familiar yards
Or the edge of everything
Only the darkness knows.
And I should be threatened by the vastness of that thought,
But the anonymity of enormity is somehow oddly comforting now.

I walk into the yard and the crunch of litter and leaves under my feet seems almost to loud.
The kitchen light is on and it paints hazy rectangles on the sleepy lawn.
I see you through the window sitting at the kitchen table in your robe
Your hair mussed from sleep.
Perhaps when I enter you will have a warm smile for me
That almost seems like a welcome.
Perhaps it will be your fist.
I never know these days.
But I do enter and sit down with you
A coffee cup in your hand,
Empty questions in mine
That I work over and over like a tattered piece of cloth
Never satisfied.
We sit in silence
Starring at our ghost shadows in the reflection of the table,
And we are the opposite of everything we ever thought we'd be.

"I'm not happy anymore."
"Then leave."

Hibernation and Rebirth

How can you see straight?
There's a train that's blowing by
It's always 12 o' clock when I start missing you the most
Just walk back in to your skin
Just for me this time

And make it look like a miracle
Like god breathing life into Adam
Make this bag of bones heave and sigh
And do one last trick again and again.

On and on
All whispers of regret are gone.


All my idiocentric twitches
And all my little secret discretions
Are separating us behind your back.
You'll wake up and I'll be gone
all my stuff packed and a very apologetic polite note on the pillow
And you'll have no idea of what happened.

And I don't have to explain
Or change myself for awhile
And this is all I long for.

Hibernation and rebirth
And all those things they tell you that you can have
will finally be attainable.

This skin in paper thin
I have stayed in it to long
It is chaffing and rubbing off
And I want to walk right out
And be nameless and nobody's property
Except to be the caregiver of this body
Which has been neglected of late

I have let other things slip
While I let myself go
I show myself out
At 2am.
You'll be sleeping
And the darkness muffles my noises
70 dollars for the cab
10 minutes to load
To take me away
Anywhere but here
Or as far away as 70 gets me.

In a new town with an old name
And the start of who I am coming back to me.

Amy your a star

You say this cheap pink dress looks amazing on me
the lining makes me itch
I fidget at it's scratchiness
you say it makes me look five years older
Although I think younger is what you mean.
You say I'm photogenic as you snap a picture or two
but hey why not lower the sleeve on the shoulder a bit?
snap flash snap
why not a bit more?
Oh no that wont do.
hey, why not lower it completely?
All the stars do,
there we are
snap snap
How bout you lean back a bit, legs apart
wait those panties are the wrong color
Don't mean to make you uncomfortable, you smile
but could we take them off?

God you're beautiful.
your going to be famous

you look a little tense
how are we supposed to do this love scene?
you slide next to me
growing closer, warmer.
lips on my flesh
breath inhaling
exhaling.
hand on my leg
sliding up . . .
hey now, why so jumpy?
just relax
. . .relax.

lean back a bit
clothing fumbling
the sharp sound of zipper teeth unclenching
god kid, you'll be bigger than Madonna
closer, closer.
that's right, you look so goddamn sexy
cant control myself you say,
as if it was my fault.
sharp press of pain
you hold me down as I squirm and cry
hey, hey kid
where do you think your going?
deeper, deeper you drill
I thought I would split in two
but no.
no, harder and faster.
the pain flashing like waves behind my closed eyes
I don't want to see
why had I agreed to come here?
why?
It's over after an eternity
you lay there a minute your weight crushing me
I wish it would and I would stop breathing.
you pull away,
a long strand of drool on your lip
look at me hazily as if you don't remember what happened
who you are
you zip up your pants and turn away
disgusted with me

put on your cloths
we're done here.