Die

I packed my things up
And went to the place where the young things are
Pulsing in the dark to a neon sound.
They've got the cure
And ain't momma just dying for a fix
Dying to crawl on her hands and knee's away from it all
Away from the tap tap tap
In her skull
To brightening bliss.

Loves house burnt down over a lighter and spoon
And left the white ash of this
Now there is only this.
And so soon
To be slipping down the walls
Of a public bathroom stall
Into a puddle of mush
That screams of artificial home
That screams of love
That has no reason
And no groove in this world
Just hovering like a headless Buddha
That told her it was right.
His fat fingers dripping with the stuff
Could she catch them on her tongue
Like sugar
Could she learn
Or run
Never hide,
From her place in this world

Now.
Tremble and twitch
Told her it was sick
To be doing what she's doing
And sick all the same
To be not to.
She wants to make it right
And someone turn on the light
Her bones would break
And ache
Her skin
Snapping one by one within
The fire less to do with desire
And more need
That drives the secret feed
The sin
The weakness
That sunk the pit of her lower
Then the sea
To turn and churn
The hunger
The god damed hunger
To be more
Then me.

I once praised you with fingertips
I wrote you sonnets in the curve of your hip.
I let us slip
and sigh
into tomorrow
And kissed your lips
with secrets.

I once loved you with a look
One that at the smallest glance took
Away fears.
And you were a king in my eyes
For more then just a day
Did you miss it?

I once kept you with a word
Whispered, and yet you heard.
I cradled you on our shared bed
with hips and lips,
eyes and secrets,
I kept you
In the dark
Close to my heart
And never wanted to let go.









The first time I loved you
I loved you with only three words
I said them in a casual way
lightly rolling them off my tongue
Iridescent bubbles of thoughtlessness

The second time I loved you
It was more serious
I said them timidly
Wanting to be bold
Standing naked before you
Wanting to be so much more.

By the time the third rolled around
I knew loves ceaseless game
I had been led around
And stripped naked
One by one
But this I saved I just for you.
I presented it as a gift
when it's the last thing on the shelf
Maybe it was worth it
Or maybe it was just what was unwanted
But I said it
Earnestly
But with heart
I love you.
And this time after all life had taught me

i meant it.

Growing Up

I never saw a man
Except for once on a hospital bed
The light was gray and he asked me to touch him.
I was four.

That was the year mom took me into town
For new shoes and hot chocolate
She gave a dollar to the man with the cup
but wouldn't let me look at him.
Dad used to smile and swing me around
And called me his little girl.
And there was always paper to color with.

When I was eleven the men came.
They gave daddy white pills
And he didn't call me his little girl anymore.
Mom took me into town
And pinched her face at the price of training bra's.
I ground my toe into the dirt and pretended I was 30
When men used to look at me.

By the time I was seventeen I was drifting away.
Familiar with the touch of wanting hands.
Mom never smiled
And I was never home.
Dad looked at me like I was a Satan
with a bible clutched in his hand.
And I wanted to apologize
for what, I'm not sure.
It just seemed like the right thing to do
And these people who were strangers now
Raised me to be like that.

The year would go by
And they would see me holding hands
With several boys.
But never a man.
Until the year I turned nineteen.
By then the leafs were melted off the sycamore
And nobody used the swing out back anymore.
Because it just wasn't the thing to do.
Mom would scrape together her last bit of flour
And smile over coffee.
And I thanked her for that
With a $20 in her palm
Because I knew the price of flour these days.
Dad was steve now.
And we barely talked
Not that I minded.

Words were never spoken
And the house was often silent
And cold.
I would lie awake
Staring at the night light
In a room of an unfamiliar town
Feeling more at home.
Wondering distantly
Why that was,
But not really feeling in the dark
For an answer.

Loosing you in room 132

I trace cold window panes with failing fingers
Searching for your name.
Somewhere down the hall a door lock snicks shut
Reminding me of the hollow ache of my aloneness.

Children shuffle down the halls
That smell of perfume and cigarette smoke
Their bulbous eyes pleading to be loved.
Bones stick out and pinch
Rubbing the wrong way
Out of filmy thread bare shifts.
They will be taken aside
Into secret rooms
Their neglected state stripped down
With leathery purring hands
That coo and fuss over tangled hair
And to tight hand me down shoes
That will be removed
Along with innocence.



The crying of some child
On a hotel bed
Disturbs the silence
But quietly.
Lovers moan out their dissatisfaction's on the other side of the paper thin wall.
Sticky In the lazy glow of artificial light
Dim to hide the stains of sex and self indulgence.
The reek of underworld corpulence
Like the smears of last nights lipstick on the rim of a drinking glass,
The ash that burned neat little holes into the polyester rug.



I curl myself into a question mark on this borrowed bed
Where not so long ago we played Lady and her Love.
Pretending to be someone else,
Pretending this room was ours.
But when the clock expired
And the candles burned down to nothing
We left our hearts with the room key

At the front desk.

old news

10/17

I'm falling apart inside and out.

Is this how it really ends?

I'm bitter and cold and hungry.

I don't dream anymore, I don't hope or want anything.

I don't think I want to be saved this time around, And theres no one who could anyway.


And I can't even tell you, your kinda all I have now. You've been busy, I really have no right to burden you.
You've been good to me, considering. And it could be worse. I understand your problems are bigger then mine.
I know you want to get beter and I would to, If I could see the light.
I wish I could make it go away. You would say I make this myself. Perhaps it is true but I can't stop it now.
I can't just 'be happy'. I'm failing, I'm trying, but it isent working. I'm so sorry. I wish I could cure myself.
I'm gonna go out with a bang, or maybe climb a skyscraper just to 'see the view'. either way I'm going to save
all the help and engery to be used on someone that matters.

I don't even know why I'm typing this here, maybe I know you'll read it. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.







10/20

I guess I'll be saying I'm ok right up until I do it. I mean really. Not the attempt when I was 12,
I guess my imagination didn't want me. Not when I was 16, no he came and took me from that. Then twisted me to
what I am now. Broke me down and made me sick. And then the string of men that were just like him, one after the
other. It took an innocence from me. A hope. I don't hope now.I don't believe that love will save me.
I don't believe there is a better life, . . . this is it.
I am meant to be alone.

And I will tick like a machine. I will rise, work, try to sleep, til one day I'll just stop. My gears will stick
and I won't move. Then I think it will be time at last. Why try to rush it? that's where I went wrong at 12 and
16. All one has to do is wait. It will be time soon enough. Then there will be no reason to stop. Nothing to pull
me back. No ambulances or men of god shouting my name. I can do it boldly. (or will it be more of a surrender?)
No matter... It will be the time for it, the right time. And that is what makes this world stick together,
Not just time but the correct time.

And I will leave nothing but a few pretty photographs.
And they'll remember me for being a good worker for a couple years. No children. No great memories.
A handful of relatives to shed the compulsionary tear or two at my grave.
I unmark the world but I will not leave it. Not until it tells me to make my exit.
And I'll make my steps in the dance, and say the lines that are scripted to me,
and without bow or accolade walk off into darkness.

इ वौल्ड रथेर हवे थे पैन थें थे अब्सेंस ऑफ़ यौर वोइस.

Sometimes I sleep but I have no dreams. And I hear some higher purpose calling but somebody snatched the voice of God back into the wind and laughed, tossing it amoung the clouds to echo into distorted nothingness. While I here below was left naked and blamed, for mysteryious sins of the heart. Flawed with an inability to love or trust in the one who made me. I am at fault for it all. I wish the world woud toss their sins like stones upon me, admiting at last that I was the one, begging for them to quickly unload them selves to my quicker death. I am done.

Sometimes I want to scream to the sky to make me anew.

Before

Before the world ends,
Before I scream my final scream
As if the sky were glass
I could bring down upon myself.


Before consequence eats the fettered
Rotting flesh of the heart
And sin spits and licks
Our ashen mouth dry with leathery cracked tongues.


Before this fatherless bastard universe
Collapses down on us
I'll speak the name
You've given to me
In a moan or whisper
You called me Judas or lover.
Then asked
Are they not both the same?

Oh my God. Don't scream. Don't scream. I know it hurts. don't scream.

Once

I was somebody once
Before these hands
(how old they've become!)
Erased my face from mirrors.

I knew god once
Before a book was shoved down my throat
And I couldn't quiet swallow the words.

I knew what safety was
Before I caught mom crying in the bedroom
And tipped over pill bottles on dads bible.

He is not God
And she is not a saint.

I realized there is not love
Only lying really well.
And we don't cling to 'home' for comfort
Only a blanket to cover our darkest deeds.

We don't speak of what goes on behind closed doors
And the world doesn't see us cry behind photographed eyes.

We grow older but not wiser,
Lost all knowledge behind a glass of innocence.
We can never say with surety what we knew then, . . .
Back when I used to know things.

Cobalt

I lost you somewhere between Jesus and the floor boards.
And these thin tissue paper words are just that,
Frail and transparent.
I hold them up to the moon to see their faint shades dancing listlessly
And I wonder vaguely what happened to us.

Was it the light that made us realize we no longer wanted this?
Should we of just continued by candle light and soft perfumes of night flowers?
Turning and speaking love poems on sheets of satin,
No, not that.
Anything but, is what we truly are.

We aren't exotic night birds.
We are simple.
Your ribs are shades of black and white
Devoid of color I trace them
With failing fingers
The truth as solid as news print.
We haven't talked for weeks.
But in this moment there is only me and you
And blue collared cotton
Bleached by moonlight
In a new england farm house
Set alight by noiseless fire.
(So quietly we burn)

We are drifting apart. it is already late.
And I'm wondering
If I should say goodbye
Or make love to you one last time.

I don't give a fuck what you think.
I'm going to greet the morning
Punching the hell out of the sky.
In a haze of marajuana and old rusty needles
With the light dripping down
Like slow loss.
And her alabaster skin will kiss my
Bloodshot eyes.
Her, the choosen one,
The one to bring the news that he's gone.
I will die here
Under the weight of her heaviness
Her eyes that know all,
Bleeding for the sins of those without remorse.
My lips holy, like God.
My tongue an instrument for Jehova
So smile or smite them then, Oh great one.
I am done.

.

What's it like to die?

To feeling your life ebbing out of you slow
Tiny little stars dancing before your eyes
Then no light at all.

Is it quiet and dignified?
A hush as the heart is taken aside
And put down.
Is it loud and raging?
Death prying your fingertips
Off of consciousness.

Then the miracle.

The voice that calls you back
Willing or unwillingly.
The One who says
"It's not time yet."

Out of cold darkness
Blinding light and heat.
You are reborn
Naked and unassuming

The nurses shout
And you cry out
Your first triumphant call
Of new life
Golden baby with the world
In your mouth

You arise burning and victorious
Living to tell of dying.

So tell me, Oh great Lazarus,
What's it like to live?

I've done something horrible.
I wish your heart would be broken because then . . . nevermind. It was just a little passing dream I had for us. Go, be happy. I'm happy alone. Well, not really. Content is more the word. I've learned to live again, or at least function. I wish I had drugs sometimes. Something to love. Something to return to instead of empty rooms and bare scrapes of memory that mean nothing now.
It's a little queer that everyone I know now has somebody. Not that I mind really, I don't need anybody. I can keep myself warm through the winter. But apparently they couldn't. I wish I could say it makes me feel Superior, to be such an isolate island in need of nothing, so self sustaining. But I don't feel proud of myself now, not like I thought I would.
But I've found something to hide behind. "I don't need a relationship now." those words keep me safe. I can live a life of fear safely tucked away in monotony I choose. I don't have to take risks or do anything emotionally dangerous. I can control the flow of my life, ignoring the prying eyes of strangers and more threatening, the nice smiles of grocer boys. I don't have to look for love. That unpredictable dangerous hurtful thing. What good ever comes from it? No. I choose to be alone. And I am happy.

I Don't Dream [of you] Anymore

I don't dream anymore.
I count the taps in the dark.
I stare into blackness
And mark the paces of the changing hours.

I hear all
As if I am the only person alive
And sometimes I fantasize that I am.
I waste hours into thinking
I let them slip down the walls,
Pooling on the carpet.

The second hand of a clock
Is a slow heartbeat
Dripping morphine into my eyes.
I don't feel.
There is no need of feeling.
Only cool observance.

I live lives,
A new one every hour
And become master of every domain
I could build city's just to burn them
And empires just to drown them in a sea.
And I think of you . . .

I don't dream or plan
Or spin with different outcomes
And perfect ends.
I just remember.

I listen to the silence
And gather what wisdom it has to offer.
The story of my agelessness
Is told and retold
Into waiting ears.
As if I was always meant for it,
I saved myself just to hear the tale.

It becomes lover and mother to me.
God and devil.
How I abhor it's mute presence
And find comfort in it's every whispered second.

It becomes Holy and Heavy.
And I am it's single lone virgin priestess.
Offering sacrifice of words
And melody's
And sound
In wordless absolution.

Giving it my voice,
At midnight and one,
And two, and three,
til even four or five.

I tread this dreaming house
With quiet footfalls
Drifting in and out
Stopping to explore this night world
Prying secrets from the moon
And only she would tell me
For I am pure now, like she.
And I am aging fast
With these secrets
Weighing down.
Not that I care.

I keep them,
And they become part of me.
And I belong to it,
But it does not belong to me.
This world of wakefulness.
I give it my self to do with what it will.
It dwells in this house
As if I had wanted it.
But we are both unwanted.

It gives me the time
To dangle my mind
To erode my thoughts
Into sugar crystals.
That granule into white mountains
Somewhere distant of here.
I drop thoughts,
Awful and ugly,
Like bombs
Where no one ever was.
Or balls
Against the floor
Just to see if they'll bounce.

I dismantle life's complexity's
Into grains of sand
And blow them about
On the coffee table.
And I wonder if I'm God now
Or merely mortal.

I watch the day punch
The living fuck out of the sky.
I hear the sounds of bones crack
And the bloody light
Globing about like an awful hangover.

I am not pure anymore.
I am a night whore with to much ridding.
This worn papery skin is no longer
Alabaster and smooth.

The purple circles
Carve hollows under
These stupid eye sockets.
Washing up like a bruise.

Day has hit me
For I belong with the night.
I am the child it never wanted
Or the lover it couldn't give a damn for.
It pulls me,
Tugging, stabbing,
To show me I am real.
I am not a ghost
. . . or a priestess.
I will be what it wants.
But I refuse.
My eyes are aflame,
Burning and red.
I dismiss it.
I will not dream anymore.
Not for you, for I, for it, for them.

I belong now.
And thats all that matters.

A Cold

Congestion.
I'm all clogged up.
Swollen shut.
I don't want to be open.
Leave me
And let me sleep
With nothing but tissues and nyquil
Perhaps a good movie.
No.
On second thought . . .







forget the movie.

In a world without you.

In a world with out you.
A world i would of made less cold,
Less distant.

Where we could have a room between us
And not long long miles.
Were I could say your name
And you would hear me.

Instead of spiders dancing quietly in webs,
Instead of the children sleeping down stairs.

We would never realize or come to learn
What love is
Through the sweet and silent sacrifice
Of mothers lies.

We would never know the faults of our fathers
And they would be kings still in our eyes.

And mother would be washing dishes and wiping food off our chins
Instead of bleeding tissue boxes dry

We would never grow up . . . Like this.
no, never

like this. . .

October

Today is our anniversary of sorts
The dawn comes
Muted and gray
I lay here
My eyes swollen
Like I've been hit
And perhaps I have

I heard the thunder waking me
In the middle of the night
But now all is calm.
The rain drips
Into the silence.
October has not been kind to me
And whatever this weather brings
It does not bring love back.

It is over
And I let the dream
Slip away into morning.
This was the last,
The last bit of me.

Every day will be a mile
That moves me further from you
I can live,
Smile,
Remember how to forget. . .
But I don't forget anything,
Dear.

Let every memory fade,
Light uncatchable joy
Has fled.
If God is merciful
I'll forget your name
And never remember I had it once.
You rescued me
And pulled my heart from it's dark hiding place.
You could of left me alone
And I would've been happy.
Some people want to be found. I don't.

Let the salt abrade me
Til I am no longer what I am.
I return the gifts of bravery and trust.
You have no right to tell me to be unafraid
When you are all that I fear.

Go. Take the dream with you
I don't want it anymore
I don't want anything.
Leave me to be.
I am over.

Clouds

I wish I could drink in the sun
(the original one)
Drown in that air.
Instead of being weighed down
By clouds I could never touch,
I could never hold.
I dream of their feathery softness
Their radiant transparencies.
I shed the globules of fat
Off this human carcass
So I may rise.
Rise and tangle my hands,
My arms, my face,
In that space of unbelief
That is past hope into something greater
But simple and without fear or longing.
I would bring the whisps
Of pale incandescence to my lips
Breathing in,
Kissing inward and out.
Sliding it through my fingertips
The way I would strands of silky hair.
Holding it
Like memories.
The faint smell of powder
And cool touch of pearls on my cheek
Of a mother that would of held me.
The aroma of apple pie,
And being nestled in the crook of her arm
While she read story's of palaces in the sky.
A father that would of wanted me.

Please don't keep me away.
Grounded.
Don't let me stay
Down here
Where I cannot touch you.
I love you.
Don't turn dark for me.

Don't let
Dreams be
All I can have.

The End. (Again)

"9/25/09 -
I'm getting far to deep with you.
It hurt when I thought you wouldn't call
like all the others.
I thought this could be the beginning of the end.
I'm such a stupid girl.
Break my heart
So it can never be broken again.
For after you,
I don't want any other.
I hate feeling stupid.
I hate this easy vulnerability.
So fragile we are.
I could keep myself behind walls,
I could lock up my heart
In the highest tower of a fortress I've built,
But you would come
And kiss it,
Waking it of it's 100 year sleep,
And ruin everything.
I think you're playing with me
And I can't be played with anymore.
I'm not a toy
I'm a porcelain doll.
I've been dropped and kicked under beds
Far to many times.
I can't sustain another fall.
I would like to trust you
And believe in a thing called . . .
Caring and Protection
But I can't trust anybody
Or you.
But I want to
And that has got to count for something.

I wont tell you any of this
For though I want you to understand
I know you wont.
All the pain I carry around will only hurt you.
I'm trying to let go,
Dipping my toe tentatively into the water,
But I can't just yet.
Please be patient with me.
You have no idea how hard
Freedom is."

-All this stupid emotional bullshit. In a few words - I'm scared and rightly so. It's not you it's me. "



You, good sir, are a bastard. You have no idea how bad what you've really done is.