White Lies and Dead Ends

I never wanted to lie
I say as I look into your eyes
willing you to believe me

Even now the voices play out in my head
The choir to our own harmonic destruction
(Do I really?)

I lay in unfamiliar beds
starring at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck all over the ceiling
I lied when I said I was afraid of the dark and hung them up there
The truth is I'm afraid of being left alone with myself

I let the idiotic benign glow of a muted television screen
Provide the lull of perfect distraction
to try and sleep for a few hours

Your arms clench and clutch at my body
uncomfortably
Your snores next to my ear make rest impossible


I will go
If you let me
but your hands only grab and grope over this body
that is bruised and no longer pure

My name means princess
But I am not a princess anymore
I am naked and gritty
In a bed at the top of a hill
surrounded by fields I have never walked in
And friends I will never make.

'Home'

I wind my way home
Along dark roads
Enjoying the scuffing of my feet on the pavement.
Enjoying the quiet in which I know everything sleeps
I own the world tonight.
What a waste it is for me
I am undeserving.

Barbed wire fences mute their sharpness in air
That soften even the fields they pen in
To melt perhaps into the familiar yards
Or the edge of everything
Only the darkness knows.
And I should be threatened by the vastness of that thought,
But the anonymity of enormity is somehow oddly comforting now.

I walk into the yard and the crunch of litter and leaves under my feet seems almost to loud.
The kitchen light is on and it paints hazy rectangles on the sleepy lawn.
I see you through the window sitting at the kitchen table in your robe
Your hair mussed from sleep.
Perhaps when I enter you will have a warm smile for me
That almost seems like a welcome.
Perhaps it will be your fist.
I never know these days.
But I do enter and sit down with you
A coffee cup in your hand,
Empty questions in mine
That I work over and over like a tattered piece of cloth
Never satisfied.
We sit in silence
Starring at our ghost shadows in the reflection of the table,
And we are the opposite of everything we ever thought we'd be.

"I'm not happy anymore."
"Then leave."

Hibernation and Rebirth

How can you see straight?
There's a train that's blowing by
It's always 12 o' clock when I start missing you the most
Just walk back in to your skin
Just for me this time

And make it look like a miracle
Like god breathing life into Adam
Make this bag of bones heave and sigh
And do one last trick again and again.

On and on
All whispers of regret are gone.


All my idiocentric twitches
And all my little secret discretions
Are separating us behind your back.
You'll wake up and I'll be gone
all my stuff packed and a very apologetic polite note on the pillow
And you'll have no idea of what happened.

And I don't have to explain
Or change myself for awhile
And this is all I long for.

Hibernation and rebirth
And all those things they tell you that you can have
will finally be attainable.

This skin in paper thin
I have stayed in it to long
It is chaffing and rubbing off
And I want to walk right out
And be nameless and nobody's property
Except to be the caregiver of this body
Which has been neglected of late

I have let other things slip
While I let myself go
I show myself out
At 2am.
You'll be sleeping
And the darkness muffles my noises
70 dollars for the cab
10 minutes to load
To take me away
Anywhere but here
Or as far away as 70 gets me.

In a new town with an old name
And the start of who I am coming back to me.

Amy your a star

You say this cheap pink dress looks amazing on me
the lining makes me itch
I fidget at it's scratchiness
you say it makes me look five years older
Although I think younger is what you mean.
You say I'm photogenic as you snap a picture or two
but hey why not lower the sleeve on the shoulder a bit?
snap flash snap
why not a bit more?
Oh no that wont do.
hey, why not lower it completely?
All the stars do,
there we are
snap snap
How bout you lean back a bit, legs apart
wait those panties are the wrong color
Don't mean to make you uncomfortable, you smile
but could we take them off?

God you're beautiful.
your going to be famous

you look a little tense
how are we supposed to do this love scene?
you slide next to me
growing closer, warmer.
lips on my flesh
breath inhaling
exhaling.
hand on my leg
sliding up . . .
hey now, why so jumpy?
just relax
. . .relax.

lean back a bit
clothing fumbling
the sharp sound of zipper teeth unclenching
god kid, you'll be bigger than Madonna
closer, closer.
that's right, you look so goddamn sexy
cant control myself you say,
as if it was my fault.
sharp press of pain
you hold me down as I squirm and cry
hey, hey kid
where do you think your going?
deeper, deeper you drill
I thought I would split in two
but no.
no, harder and faster.
the pain flashing like waves behind my closed eyes
I don't want to see
why had I agreed to come here?
why?
It's over after an eternity
you lay there a minute your weight crushing me
I wish it would and I would stop breathing.
you pull away,
a long strand of drool on your lip
look at me hazily as if you don't remember what happened
who you are
you zip up your pants and turn away
disgusted with me

put on your cloths
we're done here.

Places and Fear

There is a place, a secret place where I would crawl down.

A hand.
A hand to lead me
then forget me in a busy intersection
leaving me crying and confused.
I was only four
How could you?

A candle to burn away the cold.
I'd wind my way down to the garden
where you'd be waiting for me
to love,
to love and promise.
I believed you.
And at 14 I didn't know that believe
was just a fancy word for lie.
But I would learn.

I'd open the gate and walk to the street corner.
The traffic lights blinked
on
off
on
off
glow sticks to draw out the night life moths
to feed and parasitic suckle on innocence
til innocence is long gone.
And not even a memory remains.

I sell myself for the currency of love
hoping to buy back time.
But it's no use.
And these street lights keep getting dimmer
Or maybe it's just me.
And I can't seem to escape this feeling that there once was something more.
And it's cloudy now but I can't see the sun;
so tired of consistently, consistently, being consistently the same.

And I remember that night
You touched my lips
And told me not to worry.
I cried and you told me it would be alright.
The smoke from the fire blocking the sky,
The blue and red lights of fire trucks and ambulances
The smell of you and the panic.
I told you I had never seen anything more beautiful.
You looked at me and said "neither have I."
I was the only time I had ever felt truly loved

I can't feel anything anymore.

He

You give me a cold resting place
Up on a frost bitten moor
With nothing but the dead grass
Like the hair of a thousand corpses peeking out from under the snow.
You give me a frail resting place
upon this fevered bed.
You are gone
and the ice splinters of my breath hang and stare at me from the ceiling
There is nothing for me here.
And I know somewhere in the back of your head you have put me to rest
In a sleep which makes death seem a lullaby
You said you would never think of me
Did you really mean never, dearest?
For the nights turn still colder and even the day's seem widowed in flat gray.
But no . . . . . . I remember the way you turned from me.
Your never was complete.

You won't come back.

please just take [blank] from my hands.

Please just take this pen from my hand
All it spouts is lies and shit
And beauty has left me

I'm dead inside.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I can't fix this
it
us
me

And at last I'm to tired to try.

gotta preform for them, and them, and me.

Didn't remember how it was
back when my thoughts were unknown
my heart was secret
when I was just and only Sarah.

Please just take it from me
I wont give it up
although feebly my hand clutches it,
pathetically.

Can't stop.
And I don't remember why,
Why that was so important anymore.

I believe you are more then enough for me
I believe that change is just around the corner
I believe that better times are coming
That I'll make it out not only alive but successful


Believe is just a fancy way of saying lie.

Does This Make Sense

I tried and I tripped
And I stumbled
To reach what I thought was you
Way out here.

And I was breathless and hurting and longing
and my shoes were dirty and my pants were ripped
way out here.

And I saw a man bury his daughter
in the garden
out here

And a man eat his hand
because he can
and liked the ring of cannibal
way out here.

But there was no you
and there was no silver longing or imagination
there was no
there was no
you'




I started a fight because I felt reckless
And needed to scream
and I was bloody and he was bruised
and I still felt restless between
these pages that keep flipping
and turning
and twisting
and walking out on me.

And I just needed to breath

Blank

Please someone stop me from being empty.

No matter how
The endless whoring
Leavings me tangled in the sheets
By morning

I'm an empty doll
Any day
(I'm waiting,
Waiting for the call)
I'm waiting for you to say
"You're so not worth it."

I'm waiting for you to treat me
Like the disposable
That I am.

I have no feelings
And I lie so much
That maybe this is true

I am fretting
And regretting
over you
I am a thing to be forgotten

Please,
While I have your attention
Ladies, gentlemen,
This truth I will not brush up,
Or paint over,
Or cover up.

Misetro, drum roll please . . .



You never deserved me

Eden

We loved with all that we had
But we were young
And the world was different.
The world will never be that way again.
So lets close our eyes tight,
Lets shut out the world
And weep
Weep with the shared understanding
Of what we lost

Eden is over

We were children And we were blessed.
But now we are old And blind forever.

Elemental

Sunshine burn me.
Won't you teach me?
Consume me and swallow me up
I want to know what obsession is.

And water seep my lungs
Fill me and kill me
Let your coldness claim me
Who could blame me
For wanting to be numb?

And air,
Oh, Air,
Destroy me.
Only you can erase me.
Rip the soul from my flesh
And the life from my bones.
I have longed to be effaced and erased
With nothing but a name

Dear You,

I think we should see other people.

See in me what you want me to be
And maybe I will become.
And I'll look past the frog and the prince
And hope to see a real boy, . . .

. . . Someday.

Back to You

I remember when I was all you needed.
I remember when we was all we had.
All the smiles, all the laughter,
Every promise . . .
I remember every word.

And it funny how things change,
It's funny how I don't know who you are anymore.
And all the cycles of the same
Keep coming back to me.

There's someone walking at the foot of the stairs
And there's something on the roof.
I am kept awake at night
And it all comes back to you

No matter what I tell myself
It all comes back to you.

Incompleat

My cold hands trace the shape of who I was before there was us.
I can't remember what I looked like
But I know I was dropped along the way,
Like a kids toy someone left on the seat of a bus
Nobody placed me in the lost and found box
And nobody called the number written on the bottom of my shoe
Because nobody cared
least of all you.

My frail hands placed you on a pedestal
Because I lost God and needed someone to worship
And couldn't bear being anyone
That wasn't crafted by someone

...

Forever
Isn't any longer
What it used to mean.

I'm worth failing

I'm worth failing
I'm really nothing at all
Spit it out because I taste bitter but the taste all the same still longing
Still familiar

Stay up
Stay awake
To hear me calling
At the break still black
And waiting

Retrace every line that was heard
And laugh at the sound of being rehearsed
Choke and smile and speak your heart out
Cough and look away at your queue

Am I still suffocating?

OJ

I brought you a glass of orange juice
Sweetness, sweetness in a cup I would say,
So you could drink it up

I smiled in the kitchen mashing away
A little army of pulp
You would think a genocide of blushing fruit
The sticky blood running down my arms
All to see you smile when I presented you with my gift

Creep up the stairs
with the glass peeking out from the rim
On a open flower
No king had such a gift
But you are asleep

And it's only a gift
A promise, a secret,
A flattery, a lie.

An open hand holding nothing
But the turning of such sweetness
That should have rotted on the vine

You Make The Sun Rise

Tiny vessels
With Untied ribbions
Float down streams
Where our paranoid illusions
get the best of us

We write letters to the Unkknown
And drop them in bottles
Into a sea of doubt
Hoping to make the sun rise
Over our craft that sails
Into the endless night

We stire the monsters in our gut
To remind our selves
That pain dosen't sleep
And neither do dreams
And just some new philosify
Won't bridge the gap or cure our infection
Iffinate possiiblites hush down
Into whispers in our wake.

We are void and waiting
To an end of existance.
All ends here with a kiss and an embrace
And I wish I was braver for you now
But there is no time for second chances
Or forgivness to grant them
The pull becomes our friend
Tunging us down beneath it's tireless weight
And we become free
A prissium forever broken
Into stardust and light.

I Am (II)

What a joke,
I said in a room full of strangers
But no one laughed
The clock beat out it's forever dance
all looked on seriously
Waiting for something more.

And like the resolution of the universe
Or premonitions of Armageddon
Whatever they waited for,
(So silently and patiently)
It never came.

And the trolley carts pushing along the street outside
With their breaks whining off into the night
And the sparks from their rusted wheels turning into stardust
Reminded me that like love or peace or god himself
It would never come.

Octane Twist

Octane twist
All I can do to keep myself together
Get better
And buy a new car
To with that second hand life
You've got

I don't want to try to make sense
Can someone tell me who you are?
Buy me something new
Someone I can use
I don't want to feel myself
Anymore

I'm a bore
And rightfully so
Give me a kiss
Of your octane twist
And I'll buy you something new
I'll be someone you can love.