Sunday, January 11, 2015

The same damn song on repeat on the merry-go-round

Obsession is going through your Facebook friends at 2am
Wondering which ones you slept with
( the number is twelve. I think he said twelve,
Was that including me? Was I thirteen?)
And wondering if it was just the pretty ones
I guess you can do a lot in 10 years.

Obsession is being turned on by you
And being confused when you touch me and then shoot me down
Wondering if it's on purpose
Or if you're accidentally gently fucking with my head.
It's wanting to touch my self to thoughts of you
Moans from your ghost hands getting caught
Between the tip of my tongue and bitten lip
But at the end of the night getting too depressed to
And crying in front of my hand mirror
Teaching myself how to cry pretty.

Obsession is where I keep you in my sketch pad
That picture you sent to me on snap chat
That you have no idea that I saved
( don't worry it's just your face)
That I touch instead of the real thing
Studying the microscopic patterns in your irises
And the crop circles in your beard
Knowing I will never get the details right.
It's difficult to erase you, even there.

Obsession is feeling like I'm in the most beautiful moment ever
Sitting next to you in your sisters car
As we're on our way to a show that your last fuck buddy is throwing
I want to parade around like the better replacement
I want to show you off
I want everyone to know
But instead I sit on a couch half the night drinking my alcoholic snapple
Laughing with some of your friends that I wish were my friends
Being hit on by a 40 year old rapper
But not by you, not where everyone can see
Not so I ruin your game or make people start asking questions.
In retrospect I hope I acted normal enough.

Obsession is embarrassing myself over and over
It's wanting to read your journals
To know what you think about me
Because you don't say
And you never tell me I'm pretty.
It's when my eyes slide over to your phone
And I remember when you said you delete all your messages and don't save nudes
I just want to know if that's true.
And what's your worse memory
And what's your favorite
And when did you start taking Prozac and why
And what you really feel about your dog maybe getting put down
And what you're like when you're down
And what you're like when no ones around,
Am I really the crazy one?
Have I just forgotten how to human?
And what's so great about you anyway?
And fuck if I'm going to love and chase someone who doesn't love me back.
Not again.
And what are you doing Wednesday night.

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