Size 0 was always a dream floating past me.
I used to sit on my bathroom floor,
back propped against the tiles where my spine cut like uneven knife wounds into me, dreaming of being size 0.
They say a girl of 5'1 should be 103.
133 always told me I'm a failure.
And just a glass of water was all I would take
Hoping to wash away that unclean greased feeling
That 30 extra pounds gives you.
Have you ever tried sleeping on a dead empty stomach?
its not so bad.
kind of like some one punching you from the inside,
fighting for you to give in and have one little bite of food.
Its better then standing up
Or moving when you haven't eaten for days.
being dizzy always scared me
Ever since that time I fainted at work
And smashed my face into a metal ice scoop.
And that was only on pursuit of size two.
I'm more careful now.
"just a little juice."
" really, I'm fine"
"Not pasty just naturally pale."
"It's just so hot in here."
Really, there are a thousand excuses for why you look sick.
Have you ever done disgusting things to make yourself not eat?
like crawling into a maggot coated trash barrel
And scrubbing it out.
Hoping the three week old soup of other peoples meals
Will make you sick and you can purge
Whatever calories are left.
Wondering to yourself all the while
"Does throwing up count as negative calories?"
I just want to be a size zero.
I want toothpick thighs that don't rub together when I walk;
that look good in dresses and amazing in jeans.
I want to look like the mannequins in clothing shops.
The perfect body type, for why else would they try to sell clothing off it?
(have you ever seen a 168lb mannequin? there's a reason for that)
I just want this fucking body to listen up.
I cry every time I look in the mirror or look at these god dammed legs
that in my despair I worry will never look right.
Will never be skinny.
I want people to feel my bones when they touch me and treat me delicately.
I want girls to look at me enviously wishing they could look like that.
And men, I never want to have another man look at my body in disgust or uncertainty.
Never want another man to leave me for someone more skinny or pretty.
I want to feel worthy of attractive peoples affection.
I just wish I could unzip this fat suit and step out as the real me.
I want to be happy and have one less worry.
103 . . . I can do better then this.