Idk. Life

It's worse then I thought.

God, you actually love her.

I want that. I want that love that you have. I want to for once not have to sacrifice myself and leave this battlefield empty handed. Loosing the pieces of me, that once are gone you don't want me anymore.
I've given all my sympathy, all my goodness, all that was pure and right, laid down all beauty and desires for a better life. . . just to have to smile and gather whats left together. To act like it's ok, like I'm fine with it.
I depart head down and feet bare. I don't want this anymore. I have nothing left to give. I have no sacrifice in me that has not already been spilled and pawed over and at last rejected. I cannot love anymore. I haven't the strength.

I hope and I long from some deep dark center of my self. I weep but I whisper it, if only in my head -

Someday I'll find a man that loves me.