I lay upon this bed
Immersed in pain
(again)
It's the sort that makes you want to cry out
For it's cutting sharp edge
But I don't.
Instead I embrace the dull hollow ache that comes after the sharp.
This ache is my friend.
I've known it well.
It and I have spent many nights together
Reminiscing and talking of everything.
One could say,
It knows me by name.
The reason for a chat this time is over a boy.
What else?
That's all I have left to cry after.
I've cried over parents and dead baby's
And bad childhoods, so after all that
Why not a boy?
This particular one didn't call back
As is typical in these sort of boy - girl exchanges.
Lost interest? Found someone else?
Is truly busy?
Who knows?
Most likely will never know.
This ones different though,
For once I pursued.
I was the chaser.
I set my eyes on him and was captured.
I wanted no other.
That could of been my mistake,
It is said men like to chase.
Perhaps I should of let him do the work . . . or not.
[ mistake #1]
I broke the heart of a boy in Nevada for this man.
That boy was a kind boy,
A good boy.
The kind of boy that calls you back
And asks if your alright.
A boy that will grow up into a fine man
With a boring predictable 9 - 5 job
Who will marry and make a fine husband,
A fine father to his 2 1/2 children.
Who will surprise his wife with flowers
And write her love poetry off hours
And recite it to her while the have their
Weekly saturday night sex
In missionary.
I had a fine boy.
And I broke his heart.
I broke it for a man who wont even speak to me.
[ mistake #2 ]
But what i think it was,
What it really was,
Was that I showed him I cared.
I let my hand slip.
He didn't call me for days and when he did
I told him I missed him.
I told him how sad I was that I hadn't heard from him.
That I was worried.
He told me not to be obsessive.
maybe that was true maybe I was (am)
[ mistake #3 ]
So I tried not to be.
I didn't contact him.
I wish I could say I ignored the whole thing
And went on with my life,
But this is me we're talking about so of course I didn't.
Like the pathetic desperate creature I am
I waited by the phone
. . . for days.
I checked it every five minutes
To see if he left me a message.
I went insane.
[ mistake #4 ]
I went through all the pictures on my Myspace
And started deleting them.
Starring at myself til I became hideous and distorted
To my own eyes.
I grew despondent and bitter.
I called my ex
(cause he was always there)
And I broke down and cried
And pathetically voiced my insanity.
Now I'm sure word of this will get back to that boy
And if he wasn't sure then, he's certainly sure now,
He wont have anything to do with me.
[ mistake #5 ]
So short and intense it was, as these affairs often are.
Sharing your life with another -
Inviting them to do them same.
Consoling them, laughing with them,
Talking til the sun came up again and again
So that you were dead on your feet
At work the next day
But you didn't care.
All the seduction, the promises,
The 'I love you's spoken far to soon,
Vanish like mist in the sunlight,
Like a dream before a waking ones eyes.
And it's wondered if they ever happened at all.
In the long run these don't really matter.
They are hardly remembered and easily forgotten.
But right now, in this moment,
It matters to me.
So for now I still have the slight twinkling of hope
That he'll call.
That all my insanity will be erased.
But I know I'm just blowing on the coals of a dead fire.
I know it's over.
And in time the hurt will fade,
And I won't even remember his name,
But for now, just for now,
I grieve.
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