Seth

I wanted you last night.
Not way the way lovers want
each other,
Tangled in passion driven beyond
Care or logic.
But in the way widowed wives must want,
A cold creeping hand
That squeezes the heart
Forcing me to lie awake,
To think,
To remember.
Til each memory drives me mad
And I cry and babble like
Some insane person.
Maybe if I was insane
You would have a reason not to call.

I rest on this bed
Bord flat
Starring at the ceiling cracks
Wishing it was
The lines of your face
I was tracing
And retracing.
Hearing the spiders
Whispering among themselves.
Are they judging me?
What must they speak of
In those webs like
Wisps of air.
They appear hovering,
Some alien creatures.

I lay with the light on.
In the darkness
All these thoughts are magnified
And screamed
Instead of softly spoken, -
Stated like facts.
I can deal with facts.
I make up a thousand
Excuses for you
And I believe every one.
But in my heart the betrayal still stings.
It weeps deep down
In some dark center of myself,
A self I never knew
Or could figure out.

I know how to play the china doll,
I know how to paint my face
And even be smile ready
If it's suited to the occasion.
I am thus now prepared.
I shouldn't be,
Your not here to see.
But it gives me satisfaction
Like winning some game
To know I wept not
When my heart was breaking
I screamed not
When you absently tore me in two
I didn't call
And I left no further message
When you were out
Living your life.