Crush

You left. Displacing air
That blew backward as if hurrying away
Like old men slouching, hurry along the street outside
Looking for something lost.

But when the air returned it caressed
As if with fingers belonging to a hand
Longing to be held.
A shy child that apologizes without words.
I clung to pictures like I wanted so desperately to cling to you.

Leaving notes to myself that spoke of the love you never gave.
I wonder if I'm insane or if this is perfectly normal;
To obsess. I'm ashamed.
12 years old and awkwardly agonizing
Because I want you to notice me and I thinking I'm to ugly to have you notice.
I'm not good at loving, I can only give and not second guess every word and action.
I'm broken of being too analytical.

I've forgotten what I once knew
And I can only stand here trembling,
Not daring to say a word
Because I don't know the right thing to say.
My hopes contradict them selves
And I'm inclosing faster then you can reveal me.
I want you to understand with out my tongue tripping and hopscotching around phrases
That I'm too afraid to share with you -
That I have always been to scared to share with anyone.

This is all in my head.
If life is simple there is a black and white answer
[either you notice or you don't notice]
but in this over/out blown world
Where bubblegum bubbles and the scent of a boys hair
Are hot air balloons and jungles of fragrance
A glance is undressing,
Your touch on my hand the intimacy of love making.
I find myself wishing I wasn't so stupid.
So naive, so painfully self aware of what I am
Which is nothing.
Nothing to you. Nothing at all.