Places and Fear

There is a place, a secret place where I would crawl down.

A hand.
A hand to lead me
then forget me in a busy intersection
leaving me crying and confused.
I was only four
How could you?

A candle to burn away the cold.
I'd wind my way down to the garden
where you'd be waiting for me
to love,
to love and promise.
I believed you.
And at 14 I didn't know that believe
was just a fancy word for lie.
But I would learn.

I'd open the gate and walk to the street corner.
The traffic lights blinked
on
off
on
off
glow sticks to draw out the night life moths
to feed and parasitic suckle on innocence
til innocence is long gone.
And not even a memory remains.

I sell myself for the currency of love
hoping to buy back time.
But it's no use.
And these street lights keep getting dimmer
Or maybe it's just me.
And I can't seem to escape this feeling that there once was something more.
And it's cloudy now but I can't see the sun;
so tired of consistently, consistently, being consistently the same.

And I remember that night
You touched my lips
And told me not to worry.
I cried and you told me it would be alright.
The smoke from the fire blocking the sky,
The blue and red lights of fire trucks and ambulances
The smell of you and the panic.
I told you I had never seen anything more beautiful.
You looked at me and said "neither have I."
I was the only time I had ever felt truly loved

I can't feel anything anymore.